and there was great joy in that city...

meet me.

2009-10-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

http://aluna13.wordpress.com/

meet me there.

common grace. future hope.

2009-10-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

i could say a whole lot about the moments that are happening around me right now. an abundance of words filled my mind as i thought about what to say. but none of them seem to fit perfectly. nothing seems to work. life is happening. music is playing. the roommate and i have been cleaning and the patio door is open, along with the windows and its just good. i am about to go to the store and get some groceries, and then come home and cook and maybe watch a movie. tomorrow i am going to see my family. i'm excited. i love them. i really do. also, right now, in this moment, my heart is alright. there seems to be joy when the wind starts to get cooler and things begin to change. and i am thankful.

common grace. the grace that everyone in the world experiences. the grace to laugh so hard you pee your pants. the grace to enjoy a really good steak. the grace to hold your first child. the grace to fall in love. the grace to enjoy your favorite band at a concert. the grace to sit on your patio and feel the first breezes of fall. the grace to dance in the rain. all of it- common grace. thank you, jesus for common grace today.

but more than that, thank you for the grace that you have poured out on my life that gives me right-standing before God. thank you for pouring your wrath on Jesus, for making him who knew no sin to be sin for me so that i might become your righteousness in him. thank you for your grace that sets me free.

future hope. the hope that i have in the person and work of Jesus Christ. i have future hope in the fact that Jesus has redeemed my life. he has called me and justified me and is sanctifying me. and that in the last days i dont have to fear. the judgement seat of God is the privilege of every believer. it is the moment when we get to stand before the throne and plead the blood of Christ and praise his name for what he has done. it is a moment where we can fully rest in the work of the cross and a moment where we get to more fully praise his name for the work on the cross.

so thank you, Jesus, for common grace and future hope.
i am grateful today for these things.

from a friend...

2009-10-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

TODAY
This is a day that the Lord has made
This is a day that my sins have been paid
So my flesh, it will fade
Cause the wrath has been laid
On His back, for His glory
So I share my life story
Knowing all He did for me
That His death, it absorbed all the sin that's before me
All the pain, all the guilt
All the pride and all the shame
Has been nailed to the cross
That's the reason why he came.
So that all would bow
And we would not know how
To have any response
Except praising His name.
and Declaring his fame
ALOUD! So I shout!
Take me out of this crowd
I can't stand to be proud
Of myself anymore for
My life is not found in the things I adore

So with the rocks I cry out
I will stand and I'll shout
I cant help but imagine what life is without My Jesus
Without Him my life would be torn into pieces

so Today I rejoice
May it not just be noise
But a voice that is heard
So that others may learn
So that others may yearn
For the gift that He gave when He died for our sin

No matter where you have been
All the hurt that's within
Can be taken away
And new life can begin

With the gift of today
On my knees I will say
I'm in need of a Savior
And there's no other way
To come to the father except through the son
To trust what is done
To no longer run
Cause that battle has been fought
And you've already won
Death holds me longer
That price has been paid
So I rejoice in this day that the Lord has made.

more to come.

2009-10-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

I have been at a loss for words for the past week, and I finally decided it was time to write. Something. Anything. The things I have seen, the things I have felt, the children I have held, the smells, the tastes, the tears, the laughter, the walks, the traffic, and the stars...all have somehow been ingrained in my mind and written on my heart and have called me to rethink everything.

Language is a funny thing. It can be a barrier. It can be a bridge. It can bread hope or speak of devastation. One thing I have learned is that truth...love...and hope are spoken and speak in all languages.

The Lord, in his infinite grace and mercy allowed me to see this fleshed out. I boarded the plane on Thursday afternoon headed to a land I had only heard about...dreamed about even. Not knowing what to expect my mind raced at a million miles an hour. Who would I see? What would the people be like? Would I experience altitude sickness? What if my teammates don’t like me? Do I have enough money? What does my family think? Every question imaginable scrolled across my mind. And as I sit here back in the states the questions haven’t disappeared; only changed. What do I do with what I have seen? Why does my heart break for these people? Where is my team tonight; how are they doing? I wish they were here. What am I doing of eternal value with my money? What will my family think? How can I even begin to explain this to them? I am overwhelmed with everything. My heart is aching in ways I never thought it would; in ways I never thought it could. Over the last two weeks I have seen more than most people see in their entire lifetime. And, at 22, what do I do with it all? Surely this weight comes hand in hand with responsibility...

throw up.

2009-08-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

my heart feels a little like my stomach tonight.

today was a busy day. woke up, watched cartoons with my nephew. hung out with my dad a bit, and then went to see my grandparents before i left town. true to form they expressed their wishes of me moving back to belton. that still hurts my heart. well anyway. right after that i filled up my tank and jumped onto 35 for a straight shot north to dallas. made really good time and got to go to church at 5 this evening. it was good. really good, actually. apparently the lord is trying to teach me something. show me something. or maybe even just show me himself. but...with my busy and emotion filled day i didnt stop to eat. not once. so last night at 630 was my last meal. and it was soup. really good soup, but still only soup. i got all shaky this evening from not eating, and so i decided i should probably eat something. so i had some rice and vegetables. tasted amazing...the first time around anyway.

all that to say...my heart is on overload.
after not "eating" for so long, it all is making my heart sick...

and it wants to throw up.

counter effective.

2009-08-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

so- hey.

random tid-bit of information from today.

so this lady, kind of odd looking, frantically runs up to cash register where we have conveniently placed chocolate bars to tempt the unsuspecting customers...

so she lays a magazine down on the counter and picks 3, count them 3, chocolate bars...

i start scanning the items and she replys with "oh, no...not the magazine. i am going to read that while i eat those" - points at the chocolate.

stunned, i pause, trying to make sense of whats happening and i respond - "you are going to just read that...while you eat your chocolate?" she nods.

then she walks away, and just cant help but laugh.

the magazine - womens health.

thought

2009-08-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

i told jess i would post random thoughts at night.

so, since i have had a few drinks, my thoughts are pretty random. and really...NO ONE reads this thing anyway, so what do i care about what i post.

sometimes i just want to be an angry teenage girl again.

thats it.

thats my random thought.

peace.

soon and very soon.

2009-07-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him, I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going to the place He has prepared for me
Then my sin erased, my shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders round the thrown
At His feet I lay
My crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb, the Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

freedom.

2009-07-04T20:11:00.000-07:00

today is 4 july 2009. here in the states its independence day. all across the world americans are drinking beer, eating hotdogs, playing by the pool, and watching fireworks and i cant help but think about what it is in us as humans thats causes such celebration.

maybe its cause we have known about this whole idea of freedom from the very beginning. maybe the story of being owned by someone or something else and then someone outside the situation swooping in and saving us has been written on our hearts since the first breath we took. its playing out all around us. its the air we breathe. and its the most beautiful story ever written. its the story of redemption. the story of being set free.

we were completely owned by sin and death. enslaved to that which only leads to death. and we couldnt and cant do anything about it. and jesus. being rich and mercy. because he loved us so much that he sent his son to save us...make us alive together with christ. he made us a new creation in christ, created to do good works. to walk in freedom and in life and in hope and joy and peace. he has set us free. really free.

so i wonder if there will be fireworks in heaven...?

whirlwind

2009-04-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

i am sitting in starbucks...dowtown. tonight i am helping another store with inventory and so i will be working late into the night, er, early in the morning. its ok though, because lately i havent been sleeping. so much is going on right now in my life. from the outside looking in you probably wouldnt guess it, but there is so much that the Lord is doing. he has so specifically answered a prayer through the phone call of a dear friend. i had a meeting with the missions pastor at church today about the Sudan trip that i have applied for. that went so gloriously, there is no other way to explain it, other than the fact that the Lords hand was all over it. and then today, just about 20 minutes ago, i got another phone call from the lady i have been living with for the past several months...she got a job. praise Christ for the job, but sadly, she is moving. 2 hours away. and i know the Lord wants me here...and so i cant move. i dont want to move. i want to be here, to do life here, i want to see what the Lord is doing and what he will do with what he has started in me since i moved here...

so needless to say, its been an emotional whirlwind. -i've got to learn to trust the Lord, and he is being ever so gracious in teaching me that he is trustworthy and faithful...that he is good, and just, and righteous. and most of all he is completely sovereign in every part of my life...every part. and for that, i am so thankful.

thought for the day:

what is your spiritual gift?
(paha, no one will answer, but whatev, maybe one will...)

know that you are loved...dearly, by the creator of the universe.

pipe dreams.

2009-03-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

and so i write...

just when i feel as though i am starting to get a handle on things...just when i begin to let go and trust in the grace and mercy of Jesus to be enough, something else falls apart around me. my soul tonight resonates with the father in mark 9 when exclaims "i do believe...help my unbelief!!" i believe that Christ is who he says he is, i do. even here in the dark, i believe he is light. but its so hard to live like it. i need him to help me with so many things. i need to trust that he is good- that everything in my life has been sifted through his fingers and for whatever reason allowed into my path in order that he may show his grace and mercy and somehow work his good, perfect will for my sanctification and his glory. but i cant see how...

but, i suppose its not up to me to see. "apart from you i cant see..." there is a way that seems right to man, and in the end it leads to death... i think that i am frustrated right now because i think that i could do a better job at being God than God can.

i cant.

i want so much. i want to make a difference. i want my 50 years or so to mean something to someone- anyone. somehow i want my story to be a light to those who sit in darkness; a small glimer of hope to those who have long since written off the idea of the dawn. i want those who feel that grace cannot reach them to be encouraged by my story that there is always enough grace. there is either grace enough to enjoy the day, or just enough grace to be sustained through it. praise Him that we are not called to endure through tomorrow, or even next week, next month, or next year...He says that He will give us just enough for right now. may we rest in the fact that He has only asked us to trust him for the strength to endure tonight. for in the morning His mercy is new and there is enough grace. i want making much of Him to be my dream fufilled. i want so much, but sometimes i am just so blinded by and afraid of the darkness that it paralyzes me and so i sit on my hands and refuse to move. in the end i want to be battered and bruised so that my kids wont have to wrestle with these demons and fight these battles. i want to be able to look back and praise our great God and King for all He has done and all He will continue to do...

sounds impossible.
sure. and i need His help. bad.
but a girl's got to have hope...might as well be in something, or someone greater than herself.

"oh my God shine your light on us, that we might live..."

somethings in the air.

2009-01-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

tonight there is a lot in my head.

friend from high school was in a bad car accident. the driver was killed instantly, and she is in a coma back home. its so crazy. life is unpredictable. and short. transient. i dont know why this is effecting me like it is. life is weird. i am weird. and honestly, i suck at writing. i wish i was eloquent. i would write a book. really, i would. instead, i write short and choppy fragments that make up my jumbled thoughts.

my head hurts. my heart hurts. i am lonely. and sometimes i miss things. well, of course i miss things, what else would i miss. i think maybe, i will just sleep. try all this again tomorrow.

oh yea, its a new year. welcome to 2009.

hopefully this year will be different. i think i smell it in the air...you know, the good things...?

2008-12-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

2 steps forward
1 step back

equals 1 step forward.

game on.

2008-12-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

a football player plays football. he plays for a certain team, and in a certain stadium. thats just what he does. he eats, breathes, and lives football. but when he's at home for thanksgiving and the family is playing ball, he doesn't blow off the little brothers and nephews exclaiming "my teams not here. i'm not in the stadium." no. he plays. and he plays hard. and he probably laughs harder than he has in awhile. there are high fives and cheers all around. everyone wins. because its not about the score, its about the game. so this is where my thoughts hijack my mind and i am left wondering...if we, as believers, are invited into the game of all games- the chance to run and dance and play with the God of the universe in the great adventure of him wooing lost and dying souls unto himself- why are we not playing? i know that i find myself saying that one day he will call me to this or that place and the game will begin. but such is not the case. i am here. now. and he is calling me to play. it should be what i do. i should be eating, and breathing, and living this ministry of reconciliation that he has called my number for. i need to get up, away from this computer and go outside and join the game. because it is being played, with or without me. and for my joy- and His- i should play.

scattered thoughts.

2008-11-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

tonight my heart is heavy. i always dread these nights. and yet, they always come. in my heart i know the truth. its my head that always deceives me. my heart is stuck tonight somewhere between obedience and rebellion. hah. seems thats where our hearts usually are. you know, the whole "i keep on doing what i dont want to do, and what i want to do, i cant carry it out." that battle? yea, thats tonight.

my heart is breaking. heavy. like this huge weight on my soul. there is so much that i dont understand. so much that i want to understand. and yet so much that i wont even begin to comprehend this side of being with jesus.

but, please tell me that we havent been abandoned here. that we havent been left to ourselves. i need to know that there is more than all this. there has to be, right? this cant possibly be all there is.

sorry that this most likely makes no sense, i just needed to write. its not like anyone is reading anyways. and if you are- hi. what do you think?

2008-10-01T21:07:00.001-07:00

the monsters are real.

he is better.

2008-07-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You

Now the plans that I have made
Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
'Till its You alone I live for, You alone I live for.

night.

2008-05-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

Things are different at night. The sun has now surrendered its territory to the stars and what was once filled with rays of hope is now filled with the void of the darkness. There is also something about the darkness; the way that it has a way of surrounding and suffocating. The piercing edge of the darkness finds its way to the corners of my heart more times than I would like to admit. It slices and cuts and cares not of race or age, or past or present. It is a relentless piercing that pokes and prods until its victim is rendered completely hopeless and powerless. Each night brings forth demons that I am growing weary of fighting. My hands are tired and my back hurts. My eyes are heavy with tears and my heart is wounded and sore.

stranded.

2008-05-26T13:33:00.001-07:00

urgh, so now i am more pissed. i had a whole blog typed up and then got an error message. curse.

anyways, i am stranded in temple. i have no money. and being home is super hard. and now i am here 3 days longer than expected. who knows when i will be back in dallas.

curse.

just pray for me if you can.

i ask you.

2008-05-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

prayer would be greatly appreciated right about now.

more to come later...

if you say...

2008-05-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

choices to make...

2008-04-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

ok, so i know this is weird. two posts in such a short amount of time. but i dont know, i guess i just feel like writing. so just bear with me,...or dont. either way, i'll still write.

nothing much is going on with me lately. but at the same time i feel like everything is happening all at once. maybe nothing external is happening, but internally, a war is waging. and it feels like this war will determine loads of who i will be on the other side of it. first of all, will i even stay and fight this battle, or like so many times before will i run away and ty to hide from it all. my gut instinct is "RUN!" but you see, i have run before. and well, it didnt work. because here i am still standing face to face with my demons that haunt me. and this time...i am tired of running.

it feels like my heart is condemning me. constantly. telling me that i am not good enough. that i have messed up far too much. so praise Him, that He is bigger than my heart. He knows it all. everything. and He is so big that even my deceitful heart cant even condemn me. praise Him. but still the question remains...who will deliver me from this body of death?(romans 7:24) what will i do? will i run? or will i stay and fight? will i choose to trust that He doesnt just make life better, but that He IS better? or will i continue to trust only in myself, and in the end lose it all?

thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!(romans 7:25) He is trustworthy. praise Him that He would save me. because He called me, and started a work in me, He WILL finish it. He is faithful. but, i must stand firm. i must trust Him. and if i dont...much is lost. so, i have some choices to make. i have to begin to trust that in my weakness His power is perfected.(2 corinthians 12) i have to trust that when i dont know what to pray or find that i cannot utter a plea for help, that the spirit is near and intercedes for us.(romans 8:26) i have to believe that Jesus Christ is alive, and that He always lives to make intercession on our behalf.(hebrews 7:25) i have to believe that the battle is His to fight, not mine.(2 chronicles 20:15) i have to believe that Christ has redeemed me from the curse of the law and set me free(galations 3:13) but not so that freedom could terminate on me, but that i should use that freedom to serve others in love.(galations 5:13) i have to trust that God loved me so much, that while i was completely dead in my sins, He died for me; He made me alive with Christ.(ephesians 2:4-5) i have to trust that while today i see only a partial of the full image, one day i will see face to face. that while now i only know in part, one day i will know fully, even as i am fully known.(1 corinthians 13:12) and above all, i have to believe that He is faithful. He who promises is faithful. He cannot deny himself.(1 thessalonians 5:24)

to the praise of His glory.

help my unbelief.

2008-04-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

life is insane. i wish there was a better way to explain everything, but there isnt. its like this awful cycle of insanity that never seems to end. school is fine. work is good. but it seems like everything else just enjoys kicking the shit out of me on a regular basis. i want to be done. i want to not struggle with everything all the time. i dont want to live this way forever. so maybe one day jesus will be unbelievably gracious to me and grant me long, sweet, rest in him. not that he hasnt been gracious enough to me already. but maybe he will choose to continue to pour grace out. praise him. he is good. even if i dont see it. heck, he is good even if i dont believe it. well, you see, cause its not up to me anyway. he is constant regardless of my belief. praise him for that. "i believe, but help my unbelief"...isnt that true? one of these days i wont be my worst enemy. one day i will realize that the lord loves me so much right here where i am. he loves me now. and hes not waiting to love this future version of me. right now. right here. he loves me. and thats ok. and i need to rest in that. so thats what i will do. i will just rest. and praise him for everything else.

messy.

2008-03-04T21:01:00.000-08:00

as of late things have been quite...well, messy i suppose is the most accurate word. it hasnt really been bad or awful or anything. just messy. for the past several weeks i have been excruciatingly homesick. which is odd, because i dont usually get homesick. everything in my life slowly began to unravel because i was so homesick and wanted to be with my family, to be surrounded by familiar. in my head i wanted to be not where i was. so, for the first time in a long time, i politely took leave from my responsibilities and jumped in the car. as i write this i am sitting on my dads brand new couch watching his humongous television. its pretty sweet actually. although, i think i hear my little sister getting sick in the other room. thats not pretty sweet. at all.

i got to go to the dam the past two days. for those who dont know, the dam at the lake is my most favorite place in the enitre world. both times it was nice. i went there first on monday night and then again today, which is tuesday. its still the dam. and its still beautiful. and its still my favorite place. well, at home anyways.

within the past few months a few things have come my way that i am terrified about screwing everything up. i suck at relationships. any kind. if it has to do with me and another person who is or who is not related to me, i blow it. i either say something wrong, or say something right at the wrong time. or i do something stupid. or whatev. i just make it a habit of being relationshiply awkward. and i hate it. so be praying for me so i dont screw up these rare, good, beautiful, right and fun things in my life.

just wanted to update a little on my life. thats all for tonight.

jesus...help me.

2008-02-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

all i have to do is find and claim who jesus says that i am...

jesus, i want to know you and who you say that i am. my love for you should get me to do more than any law ever could. i dont wantto be bound to the law like so many people are. i need to see your face and let you move me and transform me. help me seek you more than anything else. once i see you for who you really are i will become more like you. show me how to love like you love. break me from the things i hold so closely. break my heart for what breaks yours. please help me. all i need is you. i feel like you want and desire so much, but at the same time you require so little, and i have a hard time finding the middle of that. i dont want to be seen as a hypocrite to others, but also i dont want to be lying to myself. i want to just be. i want to walk in freedom. but i dont want my freedom to terminate on me. i want to rest in who i am in you. but jesus that is so hard. in a world of rules and regulations, it is hard to rest in security of who you are and in my love for you. so i gues this is just me asking you to help me love you. unashamedly. with all that i am in whatever it looks like. help me, jesus. cause dont know what that looks like fleshed out. i just need to see your face and look full into your eyes. but jesus, there is so much that distracts me from who you are. i feel silly when i keep asking you to help me, but i know that you can and i trust that you will. i know that you are mighty to save. so thats what i need. i need you to help me. dont let me continue to be weighed down by things that are not of you. break all the chains that have held me captive for so long. open my eyes to see your truth. show your grace to me in a way like never before. you have promised good to me. and i know that you are faithful.ii want to know who you are, so please HELP ME!! one day all this will be gone and i know i will be found in you but please, jesus findme faithful. it is so hard, buti trust you. i trust that you can and will do what you have promised. please sustain me. all i need is you. just you. thats it. dont let me forget that. let me rest in you. allow me to find satisfaction in you and in you alone. greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in me. it has to be done in me before i can transform this city. so jesus, work in me. please, help me...

look up. remember the stars.

2007-12-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

...covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. i ask you to remember"

-twloha

2007-12-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

i may fall down, but i will rise.
it may be dark, but God is light...

hm?

2007-12-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

i'm in a hurry to get things done
but i rush and rush til life's no fun...

all i really gotta do is live and die,
but i'm in a hurry and dont know why.

dance

2007-11-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

life's a dance, you learn as you go.

sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow...

fish

2007-11-12T08:56:00.000-08:00

if this week was a fish, i would throw it back.

from the floor.

2007-10-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

the sun dances from the sky, darkness somehow won
it threw the light from the sky and now the day is done.
things are quiet now, i am left alone.
searching for a place to rest, a place that i call home.
is it in the darkness? or maybe in the light?
searching is such a daunting task, and its getting hard to fight.
i fight the demons in my head, i scream and shout for rest
i find that i'm no better, it seems i've failed the test.
when will this raging war stop knocking at my door?
will i ever rise again, or be lifted from the floor?
i feel so abandoned, so forgotten and so lost,
it seems i havent thought this through, i've forgotten what it costs.
its not about me, and never will it be.
and yet i continue to fight this war, thats waging inside of me.
"you're not worth it all" i hear the enemy scream.
i want this all to go away, i want it to be a dream.
it seems my father cant hear my voice, whispering in his ear
maybe i am not loud enough, but his promises are clear.
"never will i leave you" i quietly hear him say.
but i cant seem to feel him near while i'm travelling on this way.
my savior responds, "i hear your cries, your plea"
yet i dont understand why he wont speak up, or simply speak to me.
the enemy grows louder, shouting in my head
"you have nothing you could offer, you're better off just dead."
i cant stand his voice, it makes me weap and cry
where is someone to speak the truth in this world filled with lies?
"never will i leave you" i hear my jesus call,
"i want to replace the lies with truth, and catch you when you fall."
then jesus you have to help me, i cant do it without you.
you have got to get me up, and show me what to do.
"hold fast to what i have promised, dont give up on me;
the battle is not won here alone, just wait, my child and see."
"never will i leave you" i hear my savior call.
and i finally i'm beginning to trust him, to catch me when i fall.

people.

2007-10-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

just because people do horrible things doesn't mean they are horrible people...

shes home.

2007-08-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

she sits on the couch surrounded by people who are real, and honest, and family. finally she belongs. finally she fits. finally she is wanted. and she couldnt be more confused about it all than she is at this moment in time. she knows what the days ahead hold. they hold both hope and joy along with pain and suffering. the lord has so much to deal with in her. these people here will be her refuge. these people will poor so much life into her. and she is scared. up until this point in time she hasnt known true community. she hasnt known true, life giving community. the laughter fills the room and joy is there. tears are shed and the joy remains. prayers are heard. food is eaten. fellowship is enjoyed. life is real and good. and there is hope. there is always hope. she knows this and yet she is afraid. pray for her. this is all new and the next few days, or even weeks will be hard and rough and good. and in the end life is new. she is new...

moving

2007-08-09T06:47:00.001-07:00

hey guys. its been a little while since i posted last. so much has happened since then. so so much. the lord continues to show his goodness and faithfulness. as many of you know i have been desiring to move out of town for sometime now. well, it looks like its happening. i will be moving to dallas and escaping temple for a little while. life is waiting. real, rough, abundant life. and i could not be more excited. pray for me as i begin this journey. come with me. it could be quite interesting.

podcast

2007-07-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

i have been thinking lately. about a lot. i know that this thing is not read by many, if anyone...so i feel like i have the opportunity to be completely raw and honest-something i dont do all too often. this summer has been completely different than any other summer i have ever experienced. i have learned the effects of a blood clot, how to properly administer 3 types of medication daily, how to cook, that dog hair clogs up a vacuum, that boys never get easier to understand, physical relationships change everything, how to get paint out of a t-shirt in less than 5 minutes, being alone is quite lonely, and how to get safely to rowlett texas in 2 hours. the summer has been...interesting. so much has happened in so little time and it has just been welling up inside my head and heart and there is no one here that understands or cares to hear about it all. my faith is being...not re-evaluated -not tested...perhaps refined? or stretched? i dont know, either way i have been thinking about faith. and me. my faith really. i find myself thinking that God is more in love with some future version of me. not saying he doesnt love me now...just that he is more pleased with who i will be someday than he is with who i am now. i need to be more careful. i cant allow myself to think that. he is desperately in love with me now. why dont i get that? my faith seems to have become so intellectual. i feel like i know the answers, but i cant seem to find Jesus in it all. He seems so far from me. "what do you do in that moment where you wake up and everything that you profess to believe seems far from you? what do you do when you know all the answers but its not enough for your heart anymore?" the answers to the questions arent difficult. i know the answers. i just cant seem to find Jesus. what do you do then? pray for me friends. i have been finding that i have been on edge and rude and wrong in the way that i have been treating some people in my life. and i listened to a sermon tonight(first time hearing the word in a long time) and the strangest thing happened-

i was listening to this sermon and about 25 minutes into it, it skipped back about 10 minutes and repeated the same thing i just previously listened to...i was frustrated and about to fast forward it to the place where i left off and then i hear these words... "if i have an enemy to fight, i dont have to fight the enemy in me" how did i miss that the first time? how did i not hear it? i think i am scared to fight. so i continue to find enemies elsewhere...all the while the enemy is waging war inside my heart...pray for me friends. i have a feeling that i am about to head out in the desert so that father can kill some things in me.

so,...to the desert and God's provision therein.

faith

2007-07-18T11:25:00.001-07:00

I think our faith comes in moments, yet there is a depth in those brief moments which constrains us to ascribe more reality to them than to all other experiences...

silent.

2007-07-14T21:49:00.001-07:00

she sits silently in the dark. the low rumble of the fan and the glow of the computer screen are her only companions at this time of night. her mother lays motionless for the first time in hours and her quiet crying has stopped. she prays that her mothers pain has subsided and that she will finally be able to rest. the past few days have been hard. for everyone really. everyone pulling 40-hour work weeks and then coming home to take care of mom. she is beginning to grasp the reality of the fallen world. this week pain and suffering have become so real to her. seeing a parent suffer is excruciating. she is scared. really scared. but she doesnt let it show, even for a minute. she cant. she has to be strong for her mother. she needs to cry, but her eyes seem to be as dry and weary as her heart. she is still sitting in the dark when her mother begins to stir. her mother needs help. she is crying out for medicine and healing. only one of these things can be provided by her daughter. and so she reaches and turns the lamp on and with tired eyes she searches through the medicine on the counter and finds the right pills. still holding back tears she returns to her mother and makes a feeble attempt at providing comfort. and she prays that morning would soon arrive and that tomorrow would be a better day.

nothing left

2007-07-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

guys, i am wearing thin. i am just about to the end of my rope. and the selfish part of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. but apparently i am more than that. please pray for me...and my family. and well, our hearts. because in all honesty- we've got nothing left.

there is always hope.

2007-07-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

in light of recent events and in talking with a friend i have discovered a new passion in my life. well, perhaps its not new. maybe i have just been forced to slow down enough to realize it. after many sleepless nights, last night i was afforded a glorious 5 hours of rock hard sleep. upon waking, i realize that a dear friend of mine had sent me a message. it went a little something like this: "i want to mentor girls. young women, really. i want it to be one that touches on the CRAP of life. and all the joys...and i want you to help. i want to mentor. we dont have to have a program. i want to disciple." for awhile i have had that same idea, but no way to make it happen. i dont know if this message is a way for it to happen but at least its a start. maybe its just the little extra push i have needed for so long. because really, the passion of my heart is girls that have gone through what i have and some who have gone through much worse. i want them to know that there is hope. sometimes, most times actually, we have no idea why we are having to go through the things that we do. but I do know that to get to life, sometimes you have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. because I have come to learn that always life stands just on the other side of death. one of the most important things that I have learned through all of this is that God’s love is unchangeable yet it changes all things. even us who feel we are beyond hope. there is always hope. and i believe that He has saved me for this purpose. that His power might be shown and that girls from every nation may proclaim that His name is exalted. my hope is that they, along with myself, would claim that He is God, that He is good, and that He is worthy of worship...always.

2007-07-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

In need of grace, In need of love;
In need of mercy raining down from high above.
In need of strength, in need of peace;
In need of things that only You can give to me.
In need of Christ, the perfect Lamb;
My refuge strong, the great I Am.

This is my song, my humble plea I am Your child, I am in need...

I am your child...I am in need. I have nothing left.
Nothing but you.

2007-07-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

"and i know the heavens will call out your name if i dont..."

well, thats a good thing. cause right now, i dont know that i can.

2007-07-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

i know no one really reads this thing, and if they do...well, i have no idea. but anyways, for those who pray, please pray for my family and my mom specifically. and for those who dont pray, please reconsider. last night my mom had to be rushed to the hospital because her leg had swollen up and she was in immense pain. after many tests and shots and poking, the doctors found that she had a severe blood clot in her left leg and part of it had broken off and travelled through her heart to her lungs. thus causing a pulmonary imbelysm(spelling?) aka-not good. she will be in critical care for the next day or so and then in the hospital another few days. right now we are hoping and praying that another part of the clot does not break off. it could end up in her heart and be much much worse. she is on blood thinners and pain medication right now. many people think that the blood thinners will dissolve the clot. wrong. all the blood thinners do is prevent another clot from forming. so please please pray that the clot would dissolve itself and that my mom would be ok. its been a very long day and i dont have any big words or deep thoughts, so i am sorry. and if you do read this, please post a comment so i know that i am not alone in this. i love you guys. thank you.

affections

2007-07-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

what stirs your affections for jesus?

something stirred my heart today. not necessarily a thing. but a moment. a sweet jesus filled moment. a dear friend of mine who is now halfway around the world sent me a message asking me for some prayer. at first i wasnt shocked and didnt hesitate to assure her that all my prayers are in fact hers. after chatting a few minutes i was quickly called upon to step up and act on what i say is truth. come to find out, a sister of mine is struggling prety hardcore with some things and honestly i have no idea what it is. but if it is anything like we suppose, it is most definately a matter of life and death. physical life as well as spiritual life. and i contend that the latter is of far more value. in that moment of great need, i praise father that "for this very purpose he has raised me up, that he might show his power in me, and that his name might be proclaimed in all the earth". i beg you to fight for life. thats the thing about dying to self every day. its supposed to feel like death. but dear friend, life always stands on just the other side of death. so friend, endure the suffering. and praise father that he has found you worthy to suffer for the glory of his name. and then do not be foolish, but proclaim your sufferings and weaknesses, for it is in your weakness that he is all the more strong. this stirs my heart for him. the reality. the ugliness. the honesty. the vulnerability. everything about this situation speaks jesus to me. thank you father. continue to stir this passion in me.

so i ask you again, what stirs your affections for jesus? i urge you to seek it out. and then hold on to it and run with it because there is only one place it could have come from. apparently he has found you worthy...

you are loved.

night-time

2007-06-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

there is something about the way night sounds here in texas. maybe its in the majority of america, but i only really know texas so i will keep it limited to that. there is just something about the night-time sounds that brings comfort and peace to my ever so unsettled heart. the crickets, or maybe its locusts -i dont know really know, but we'll pretend like i do. its comforting. it peaceful. and i think something about those sounds reminds me that all of creation is waiting in expectation of fathers return. those sounds let me know that i am not alone when it so often feels that way. someday...i will miss that sound.

tonight was a hard night in a lot of ways. nothing in particular happened that was awful or life-altering, it was just hard. a lot of emotions were felt again, and i wouldnt let myself cry. maybe i should have. its ok to cry. but something inside me says not to. "dont let people see that you are weak." ...who cares anymore.

"take not thy presence from me. for i desire to know you more. for you are worthy of all. you're worthy of all i am and more. i need to set my mind on things above on the holiness and glory of my god. in the heavens and in my heart you created a mountain and who set a spark that grew into a flame that burns deeply for you. overwhelm me. take me from this place and put me in the place where you are. overwhelm me. shake the ground i stand on, i want to be dependent on you. i stand before you king. filthy. unworthy. you still wash me clean. and say to me my child you're worthy. i need to set my mind on things above on the holiness and glory of my god. in the heavens and in my heart. who created a mountain and set a spark that grew into a flame. overwhelm me. shake from this place and put me in the place where you are. overwhlem me. shake the ground i stand on i want to be dependent on you."

light has come.

2007-06-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

"When the storm is raging all around me You are the peace that calms My troubled sea"

storms dont usually bother me. one time, when i was in the 4th grade, i was in what is known around here as "the Jarrell tornado". it was an F5 tornado that travelled about 100 miles straight down I-35 and killed about 12 people and completely devestated everything in its path. keep in mind that 1) i was in the 4th grade 2) i was in the duck and cover position for about 4 hours and 3) 12 people were killed less than a mile away from where i was. i dont know what scared me the most...the storm itself, or the fact that i had no idea what was going on and i had no control over everything that was happening.

i think that may be my problem as of late. there is this storm raging in my life and i have no control. but you see, the problem is that i pretend that i do. i pretend that i have things figured out and i pretend that i know whats going on, when really, none of this is up to me. storms come and yet i still hope that one day the sun will come out again. i hope against hope that my dear friend was right when she exclaimed "its not going to rain the rest of your life..."

storms come. lightning strikes. and the lights go out. and sometimes all you can do is sit in the dark for awhile and pray that the light comes. and when it does, dont be foolish and ignore it. rejoice that the light is here and the storm is over. because dear friend...its not going to rain the rest of your life.

journal entry.

2007-06-25T20:00:00.001-07:00

so... i think that i will now post something written in my journal just a few nights ago. its real. its honest. and its me. take it as you will.

"once again i have become a stranger to you. once again have i allowed myself to enter this place i have sworn, more times than i can count, to never return. and yet, here i am. these words, like most honest words are being written after the day has passed and everyone is fast asleep. everyone but me. i am here, and although i feel very terrifyingly alone, i know that i am not. now the tears come. they begin to fill up my bloodshot, tired eyes and yet for some reason, unknown to me, i wont let them fall. maybe i am afraid that they are more real than i would really like to admit. i dont know why i allow myself to reach this point and i hate that i allow myself to become this person.i am supposed to be the one who has things figured out. i am supposed to be ok and when i am not i think it scares me more than it scares anyone else. as of late it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile my heart and my mind...

all to jesus, i surrender. all to him i freely give. i will ever love and trust him, in his presence daily live. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior. i surrender all. all to jesus, i surrender. humbly at his feet i bow. worldly pleasures all forsaking, take me jesus take me now. all to jesus, i surrender, lord i give myself to thee. fill me with thy love and power let your blessing fall on me. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior, i surrender all.

this song cannot be just another song. it must become truth. my truth. your truth. it must become reality. no longer can i play games. i cant continue being full of empty words. no more just giving up control to what i am comfortable. its all yours. this burden, this is something i cannot carry alone. and you've never intended for me to carry this alone. i cant keep pretending that my back doesnt hurt and my legs arent weak and tired. because if i am being completely honest, my legs are tired...i am tired. you have promised to help and here i am begging you to be true to yourself. meet me here. i surrender all. you have promised and you are faithful. you cannot deny yourself. only in you have i anything good. only in you. you ALONE are my righteousness. now, and i am surprised that its not too late, i am claiming it. you are my righteousness. and right now, more than ever, i need you to be that for me.

i surrender all. and here i wait in expectation."

lauren and I-35

2007-06-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

i feel the need to write again. a super good friend and sister of mine called me unexpectedly today. i say unexpectedly because 1) she just left the dominican and haiti, and is now travelling on her way to mexico. and 2) i didnt think she had her phone or if she did that she would be able to call. but nevertheless, she called and the first words i hear are "i am in your town!! i just saw a huge sign that said welcome to ---!!!" of course, i was slow to believe that this girl from minnesota, who was just previously out of the country would be in my small little hick town smack dab in the middle of texas. which happens to be one of the largest, if not the largest state in the U.S.A. so here's to you Interstate 35. you bring people together in this world and we never stop to thank you. thank you 35 for keeping us all somehow oddly enough connected. i salute you. and lauren, here's to you. thank you for serving without second thought. you are a blessing. know that i am praying for you and anxiously awaiting a phone call for when you return on good ol' I-35. you should try convincing them that my town is really a superb place to stop and eat. really, we do have lots of good restaraunts right off the interstate. :) i love you. thank you for the phone call. i look forward to talking to you more. be brave, dear friend. have courage.

blog.

2007-06-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

a "friend" of mine, i say that because we aren't technically friends...but we are, just not in person i suppose. well, whatever. hi anne. a friend of mine encouraged me to invest in this blog thing. so here i am, close to midnight typing away at my laptop trying to think of something sensible to say. and i hate to break it to you, but i've got nothing.

people have been unusually annoying to me lately. that is weird to me, because normally i love love love people. and today and lately, i think that some people in this world just need a good swift kick in the ass before they realize how ignorant or stupid or irrational they are being.

let me know if anyone reads this. i feel so very blogger ignored lately. i need some affirmation.

i was thinking of jumping...

2007-02-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

This space could be taken up a million different ways. You could be reading a love story. An obituary. A personal ad. A death threat. A wanted poster. Your lotto numbers. You could be reading about aerospace engineering, 101 ways to please your lover, the stock exchange, poetic devices in 18th century literature, or the cheap thrills and many benefits crack cocaine has to offer. You could be reading the number of calories in your power bar, how to start your own online enterprise, or the effects of reading badly written discourse on the nature of irrelevancy on one's eyesight. But instead you're reading this.

So here's to that. And that. As a matter of fact, here's three-cheers to all the wasted space, missed opportunities, and above all, the steady decline in my thought process as of late. Irony tends to collect, you see, but nothing like all the cliché, overdone faux-metaphors that I find myself growing out of before they happen. I'm sick of reinvention and I'm sick of staying the same. Little comfort and compromise has been found in my recent habit of drifting from personality to personality, therefore... I need something new. I need to stop wasting time, I need to stop wasting space.

One day I'm going to leave this insipid town and start a fucking revolution. Now that's something I could drink to.

2006-10-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

no one reads this. i am pretty much the biggest loser by continuing to write on this blog that no one reads and no one cares to read. and yet...i write. maybe its because i feel safer writing when i know no one will read. kinda like hiding in the closet even though no one is looking for you. you know what i mean? its just safer somehow. perhaps thats what this is for me. my closet. my safe place. in here no one can touch me. the world is so crazy sometimes and getting caught up in life is not safe. not at all. so i come here. to this made up, artificial safe house that i have created for myself. so here in this place...be safe, reader. be safe. if no where else you can feel safe i pray this is that place for you. reality is found here and that reality is that you are safe. the following is an excerpt of how i feel as of late. God is silent. i am alone. and i want to know why...

I am now out and about intentionally seeking God. And I can remember that moment in which God showed up to me in my hiding place and He said, 'Come on out. You don't have to hide anymore. What are you doing there?' I remember that moment, and now I have become a seeker of God and I am seeking Him. And in the same way that God came to Adam and Eve in the garden and said, 'Adam, where are you?' He came to me and said, 'Where are you?' And now I know where I'm at, and now the tables have turned and I have a question for Him, 'Where are You, God? Where are You? I can't find you. I'm out seeking you and I'm doing everything I can. Where are You? I didn't sign up for some cosmic game of hide-and-seek. How long, oh Lord, will You forget me forever? Will You hide Your face from me forever? Where are You?'” And we're thinking to ourselves, “Why can't we find God?” And if you're like me, you remember Psalm 139, and you realize that God's presence is always with you. And the truth of God's word is God's omnipresence, the teaching that God is always with us, in all places, at all times. But we don't just merely want to know that He's out there, we want to know that He's down here. We want to know that He's near us, we want more of Him in our lives, we want God's manifest presence, we want to experience Him, we want more Jesus but we can't find Him. And we're not lonely because of sin, we're not lonely for people, we're not lonely from hiding, we're lonely for God.

we must understand, that just because God is hiding His face from His children, does not mean that He has quit working. If anything, He is working in us that which is most pleasing to Him, faith. and so, when God is working to hide His face from us so that we may be filled with faith, it goes something like this, “Seek Me. I'm going to hide My face from you, but right now, I'm doing the most important work in you that I could ever do. I'm going to teach you what it means to diligently seek Me, period. And I'm going to give you a heart of worship that says I am worthy of worship, period, not for the things I do, but for who I am. So, are you going to turn to the world? Are you going to turn away, or are you going to keep pressing in? Because, right now, if you trust Me, I'm doing the most important thing that I could do. I'm working in you the things that please Me, and what pleases Me is faith that leads to worship.” So God has not turned away from us, though He hides His face from us. He's doing the most important thing He could do. He's giving us the level of faith and type of worship that makes Him smile.

2006-10-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

no one is good there is not even one.

the front pages of papers of children raped by rapists. iraqi torture chambers and we the blamed claim we're blameless. wrong all. and swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us this arrogance. and our only line of defense is the sense that i'm not half as bad as this friend of mine so i must be fine. we mean well dont we. yet i've never seen good intentions set a man free from hurt all. this poor unfortunate soul filling a single void with toy after toy girl after boy. how boring. this wasnt meant to be humanity's life story. warring with God saying what have you done for me. bought all. hanging out for six hours marred beyond recognition in complete submission to the Father's will still a proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation. with more beauty than all His creation. more eternal than eternity more angelic than the heavenlies. it is done. you are bought with blood. accept. rejoice.

for freedom has come.

2006-10-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

Now the day is over,
Night is drawing nigh,
Shadows of the evening
Steal across the sky

Jesus, give the weary
Calm and sweet repose;
With Thy tend’rest blessing
May mine eyelids close.

Grant to little children
Visions bright of Thee;
Guard the sailors tossing
On the deep, blue sea.

Comfort those who suffer,
Watching late in pain;
Those who plan some evil
From their sin restrain.

Through the long night watches
May Thine angels spread
Their white wings above me,
Watching round my bed.

When the morning wakens,
Then may I arise
Pure, and fresh, and sinless
In Thy holy eyes.

2006-09-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live

We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together
We will sing We will sing Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

2006-09-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

since no one will ask me directly what i think...i will let John Piper explain myself, and i hope you are listening.

the great tragedy of the church today is its abundance of “yes men”. we are so affirming of others that no one has the boldness to tell anyone they are wasting their life on temporal things.

the decline of the influence of the church in America is not because the world has become more secular but because the church has. we have claimed to have treasure in Heaven but chased after the same treasure as the world. do we think that we have fooled them? this has damaging effects on our evangelism and paralyzing effects in our church. why question the things you are giving your life to when all of the other spiritual people you know are headed down the same wide path. most don’t question. when someone does make a radical commitment to join God in engaging the lost world, we say that they are called to “ministry”. in reality, the Bible only speaks of one calling-the calling to salvation. lordship ministry, evangelism, and missions are not electives for the Christian life. THEY COME WITH THE JOB DESCRIPTION. ministry is the business of every believer.

the idea of those who are “called” to ministry or missions is a category that we have made up, not to explain their behavior but to excuse ours. this idea attempts to justify the validity of a Christian who somehow doesn’t do any of the things that Christ did or commanded us to do.

2006-08-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

i could just throw up.

2006-08-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

"tragedy always comes. not the losing-your-homework kind or the having-to-flush-your-goldfish kind, but the kind that leaves you stripped. the kind that tears from you all the ideas about living you once believed untearable."

"the fall has made monkeys out of us for crying outloud. some of us are athletes, some are physicists, and some of us are good-looking and some of us are rich, and we are all running around, in a way, trying to get people to clap for us, trying to get a bunch of people to say that we are normal, we are healthy, we are good. often when i want someone to like me, i am really wanting them to say that i am redeemed, that i am not a loser, that i can stay in the boat, stay in this circus, that my act redeems me."

"growing up in a small conservative church in the South, you hear more about morality than you do about Christ. if you were immoral, if you danced, drank, or cussed, you were made to feel that God no longer liked you. and if you were moral, you were made not to feel one with Christ, but right and good and better than other people. these things were not stated directly, but the enviroment left me with this impression. christian spirituality, then, hinged on whether or not a person behaved. what good does it do to tell someone to be moral if fifty years later they can die and, apparently, go to hell?"

just some of my feelings as of late...

2006-08-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

dear you,

life is crazy. school is about to get started and already i feel like i am running 900mph around this little town and getting absolutely nowhere. have you ever confused a dream with life? have you ever thought your train moving while sitting still? i feel like my life counts for nothing. and thats not what i want. i want things to be changed when i am gone. just like every other person in the world, i want my life to mean something, to leave my mark on this world.

my heart is burdened with the people of this world, and probably now more than ever have actually sat around and thought about people really really really going to hell. i know its something that people always talk about but i mean, have you just sat down and thought about your friends that dont know Jesus spending eternity in hell? we have become so tolerant and so accepting of other religions, not wanting to offend anyone. i am not say we should not accept them or be mean to them, but its not fair to believe the lie that all religions are equal and everyone will get to God maybe just a different way. i beg to differ. Jesus Christ is the way. not muhammed. not allah. not buddha. no one on earth will be saved but by the name of Jesus Christ. thats it. thats the plain and simple truth. the words "absolute truth" have come up a lot in my mind lately, and for so long i have wanted something, anything, to be absolute. something certain, and thats just it, i found it. there is a God. He has made Himself known to us. He is not hiding. nor is He absent. we have access to Him. He is not just truth for us, He is true for ALL people, in all places, and at all times. He is absolute. and He is true. He is my absolute truth. and He is yours. you just might not know it yet.

thats all.

2006-08-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

worry.

2006-08-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

worry is what gives small things big shadows...

2006-08-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

the one where i dont know...

here we are. back here at this oh-so-familiar keyboard. somehow i think each time i write or type something it will sound better; more profound. it doesnt.

life is about to pick up about 900 miles per hour. literally. and for once i am okay with that. i am tired of having free time to just think...thinking should be off limits for me. you know like when you were a kid and you would go into the dishes section at dillards or something and your mom would make you put your hands behind your back...thats me. all the time. "alison, just put your hands behind your back and try not to break anything." cause then if i do break something, i've screwed everything up again. thank the Lord that i haven't broken anything lately. or at least if i have it is still in the process of falling apart.

i am fighting with my dad. hardcore this time. he hung up on me in the middle of a conversation the other day and he never does that. ever. he's pissed about me and school, and how my mom doesn't give a flying rat's left leg about me and helping out or whatever. he keeps asking me, "do you think its fair for me to have to pay for everything on my own" well first of he doesn't really pay for anything. he helped me get my car fixed. i paid for all of my school on my stinkin' own. and does he really think its fair that i still have to choose sides between them although the divorce was 4 years ago?! i mean really...who got the shitty end of the deal here?

i think i am gonna do whatever the hell i want...