game on.

a football player plays football. he plays for a certain team, and in a certain stadium. thats just what he does. he eats, breathes, and lives football. but when he's at home for thanksgiving and the family is playing ball, he doesn't blow off the little brothers and nephews exclaiming "my teams not here. i'm not in the stadium." no. he plays. and he plays hard. and he probably laughs harder than he has in awhile. there are high fives and cheers all around. everyone wins. because its not about the score, its about the game. so this is where my thoughts hijack my mind and i am left wondering...if we, as believers, are invited into the game of all games- the chance to run and dance and play with the God of the universe in the great adventure of him wooing lost and dying souls unto himself- why are we not playing? i know that i find myself saying that one day he will call me to this or that place and the game will begin. but such is not the case. i am here. now. and he is calling me to play. it should be what i do. i should be eating, and breathing, and living this ministry of reconciliation that he has called my number for. i need to get up, away from this computer and go outside and join the game. because it is being played, with or without me. and for my joy- and His- i should play.

scattered thoughts.

tonight my heart is heavy. i always dread these nights. and yet, they always come. in my heart i know the truth. its my head that always deceives me. my heart is stuck tonight somewhere between obedience and rebellion. hah. seems thats where our hearts usually are. you know, the whole "i keep on doing what i dont want to do, and what i want to do, i cant carry it out." that battle? yea, thats tonight.

my heart is breaking. heavy. like this huge weight on my soul. there is so much that i dont understand. so much that i want to understand. and yet so much that i wont even begin to comprehend this side of being with jesus.

but, please tell me that we havent been abandoned here. that we havent been left to ourselves. i need to know that there is more than all this. there has to be, right? this cant possibly be all there is.

sorry that this most likely makes no sense, i just needed to write. its not like anyone is reading anyways. and if you are- hi. what do you think?

the monsters are real.

he is better.

Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You

Now the plans that I have made
Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
'Till its You alone I live for, You alone I live for.