pipe dreams.

and so i write...

just when i feel as though i am starting to get a handle on things...just when i begin to let go and trust in the grace and mercy of Jesus to be enough, something else falls apart around me. my soul tonight resonates with the father in mark 9 when exclaims "i do believe...help my unbelief!!" i believe that Christ is who he says he is, i do. even here in the dark, i believe he is light. but its so hard to live like it. i need him to help me with so many things. i need to trust that he is good- that everything in my life has been sifted through his fingers and for whatever reason allowed into my path in order that he may show his grace and mercy and somehow work his good, perfect will for my sanctification and his glory. but i cant see how...

but, i suppose its not up to me to see. "apart from you i cant see..." there is a way that seems right to man, and in the end it leads to death... i think that i am frustrated right now because i think that i could do a better job at being God than God can.

i cant.

i want so much. i want to make a difference. i want my 50 years or so to mean something to someone- anyone. somehow i want my story to be a light to those who sit in darkness; a small glimer of hope to those who have long since written off the idea of the dawn. i want those who feel that grace cannot reach them to be encouraged by my story that there is always enough grace. there is either grace enough to enjoy the day, or just enough grace to be sustained through it. praise Him that we are not called to endure through tomorrow, or even next week, next month, or next year...He says that He will give us just enough for right now. may we rest in the fact that He has only asked us to trust him for the strength to endure tonight. for in the morning His mercy is new and there is enough grace. i want making much of Him to be my dream fufilled. i want so much, but sometimes i am just so blinded by and afraid of the darkness that it paralyzes me and so i sit on my hands and refuse to move. in the end i want to be battered and bruised so that my kids wont have to wrestle with these demons and fight these battles. i want to be able to look back and praise our great God and King for all He has done and all He will continue to do...

sounds impossible.
sure. and i need His help. bad.
but a girl's got to have hope...might as well be in something, or someone greater than herself.

"oh my God shine your light on us, that we might live..."

somethings in the air.

tonight there is a lot in my head.

friend from high school was in a bad car accident. the driver was killed instantly, and she is in a coma back home. its so crazy. life is unpredictable. and short. transient. i dont know why this is effecting me like it is. life is weird. i am weird. and honestly, i suck at writing. i wish i was eloquent. i would write a book. really, i would. instead, i write short and choppy fragments that make up my jumbled thoughts.

my head hurts. my heart hurts. i am lonely. and sometimes i miss things. well, of course i miss things, what else would i miss. i think maybe, i will just sleep. try all this again tomorrow.

oh yea, its a new year. welcome to 2009.

hopefully this year will be different. i think i smell it in the air...you know, the good things...?

2 steps forward
1 step back

equals 1 step forward.

game on.

a football player plays football. he plays for a certain team, and in a certain stadium. thats just what he does. he eats, breathes, and lives football. but when he's at home for thanksgiving and the family is playing ball, he doesn't blow off the little brothers and nephews exclaiming "my teams not here. i'm not in the stadium." no. he plays. and he plays hard. and he probably laughs harder than he has in awhile. there are high fives and cheers all around. everyone wins. because its not about the score, its about the game. so this is where my thoughts hijack my mind and i am left wondering...if we, as believers, are invited into the game of all games- the chance to run and dance and play with the God of the universe in the great adventure of him wooing lost and dying souls unto himself- why are we not playing? i know that i find myself saying that one day he will call me to this or that place and the game will begin. but such is not the case. i am here. now. and he is calling me to play. it should be what i do. i should be eating, and breathing, and living this ministry of reconciliation that he has called my number for. i need to get up, away from this computer and go outside and join the game. because it is being played, with or without me. and for my joy- and His- i should play.