more to come.

I have been at a loss for words for the past week, and I finally decided it was time to write. Something. Anything. The things I have seen, the things I have felt, the children I have held, the smells, the tastes, the tears, the laughter, the walks, the traffic, and the stars...all have somehow been ingrained in my mind and written on my heart and have called me to rethink everything.

Language is a funny thing. It can be a barrier. It can be a bridge. It can bread hope or speak of devastation. One thing I have learned is that truth...love...and hope are spoken and speak in all languages.

The Lord, in his infinite grace and mercy allowed me to see this fleshed out. I boarded the plane on Thursday afternoon headed to a land I had only heard about...dreamed about even. Not knowing what to expect my mind raced at a million miles an hour. Who would I see? What would the people be like? Would I experience altitude sickness? What if my teammates don’t like me? Do I have enough money? What does my family think? Every question imaginable scrolled across my mind. And as I sit here back in the states the questions haven’t disappeared; only changed. What do I do with what I have seen? Why does my heart break for these people? Where is my team tonight; how are they doing? I wish they were here. What am I doing of eternal value with my money? What will my family think? How can I even begin to explain this to them? I am overwhelmed with everything. My heart is aching in ways I never thought it would; in ways I never thought it could. Over the last two weeks I have seen more than most people see in their entire lifetime. And, at 22, what do I do with it all? Surely this weight comes hand in hand with responsibility...

throw up.

my heart feels a little like my stomach tonight.

today was a busy day. woke up, watched cartoons with my nephew. hung out with my dad a bit, and then went to see my grandparents before i left town. true to form they expressed their wishes of me moving back to belton. that still hurts my heart. well anyway. right after that i filled up my tank and jumped onto 35 for a straight shot north to dallas. made really good time and got to go to church at 5 this evening. it was good. really good, actually. apparently the lord is trying to teach me something. show me something. or maybe even just show me himself. but...with my busy and emotion filled day i didnt stop to eat. not once. so last night at 630 was my last meal. and it was soup. really good soup, but still only soup. i got all shaky this evening from not eating, and so i decided i should probably eat something. so i had some rice and vegetables. tasted amazing...the first time around anyway.

all that to say...my heart is on overload.
after not "eating" for so long, it all is making my heart sick...

and it wants to throw up.

counter effective.

so- hey.

random tid-bit of information from today.

so this lady, kind of odd looking, frantically runs up to cash register where we have conveniently placed chocolate bars to tempt the unsuspecting customers...

so she lays a magazine down on the counter and picks 3, count them 3, chocolate bars...

i start scanning the items and she replys with "oh, no...not the magazine. i am going to read that while i eat those" - points at the chocolate.

stunned, i pause, trying to make sense of whats happening and i respond - "you are going to just read that...while you eat your chocolate?" she nods.

then she walks away, and just cant help but laugh.

the magazine - womens health.

thought

i told jess i would post random thoughts at night.

so, since i have had a few drinks, my thoughts are pretty random. and really...NO ONE reads this thing anyway, so what do i care about what i post.

sometimes i just want to be an angry teenage girl again.

thats it.

thats my random thought.

peace.