podcast

i have been thinking lately. about a lot. i know that this thing is not read by many, if anyone...so i feel like i have the opportunity to be completely raw and honest-something i dont do all too often. this summer has been completely different than any other summer i have ever experienced. i have learned the effects of a blood clot, how to properly administer 3 types of medication daily, how to cook, that dog hair clogs up a vacuum, that boys never get easier to understand, physical relationships change everything, how to get paint out of a t-shirt in less than 5 minutes, being alone is quite lonely, and how to get safely to rowlett texas in 2 hours. the summer has been...interesting. so much has happened in so little time and it has just been welling up inside my head and heart and there is no one here that understands or cares to hear about it all. my faith is being...not re-evaluated -not tested...perhaps refined? or stretched? i dont know, either way i have been thinking about faith. and me. my faith really. i find myself thinking that God is more in love with some future version of me. not saying he doesnt love me now...just that he is more pleased with who i will be someday than he is with who i am now. i need to be more careful. i cant allow myself to think that. he is desperately in love with me now. why dont i get that? my faith seems to have become so intellectual. i feel like i know the answers, but i cant seem to find Jesus in it all. He seems so far from me. "what do you do in that moment where you wake up and everything that you profess to believe seems far from you? what do you do when you know all the answers but its not enough for your heart anymore?" the answers to the questions arent difficult. i know the answers. i just cant seem to find Jesus. what do you do then? pray for me friends. i have been finding that i have been on edge and rude and wrong in the way that i have been treating some people in my life. and i listened to a sermon tonight(first time hearing the word in a long time) and the strangest thing happened-

i was listening to this sermon and about 25 minutes into it, it skipped back about 10 minutes and repeated the same thing i just previously listened to...i was frustrated and about to fast forward it to the place where i left off and then i hear these words... "if i have an enemy to fight, i dont have to fight the enemy in me" how did i miss that the first time? how did i not hear it? i think i am scared to fight. so i continue to find enemies elsewhere...all the while the enemy is waging war inside my heart...pray for me friends. i have a feeling that i am about to head out in the desert so that father can kill some things in me.

so,...to the desert and God's provision therein.

faith

I think our faith comes in moments, yet there is a depth in those brief moments which constrains us to ascribe more reality to them than to all other experiences...

silent.

she sits silently in the dark. the low rumble of the fan and the glow of the computer screen are her only companions at this time of night. her mother lays motionless for the first time in hours and her quiet crying has stopped. she prays that her mothers pain has subsided and that she will finally be able to rest. the past few days have been hard. for everyone really. everyone pulling 40-hour work weeks and then coming home to take care of mom. she is beginning to grasp the reality of the fallen world. this week pain and suffering have become so real to her. seeing a parent suffer is excruciating. she is scared. really scared. but she doesnt let it show, even for a minute. she cant. she has to be strong for her mother. she needs to cry, but her eyes seem to be as dry and weary as her heart. she is still sitting in the dark when her mother begins to stir. her mother needs help. she is crying out for medicine and healing. only one of these things can be provided by her daughter. and so she reaches and turns the lamp on and with tired eyes she searches through the medicine on the counter and finds the right pills. still holding back tears she returns to her mother and makes a feeble attempt at providing comfort. and she prays that morning would soon arrive and that tomorrow would be a better day.

nothing left

guys, i am wearing thin. i am just about to the end of my rope. and the selfish part of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. but apparently i am more than that. please pray for me...and my family. and well, our hearts. because in all honesty- we've got nothing left.