scattered thoughts.

tonight my heart is heavy. i always dread these nights. and yet, they always come. in my heart i know the truth. its my head that always deceives me. my heart is stuck tonight somewhere between obedience and rebellion. hah. seems thats where our hearts usually are. you know, the whole "i keep on doing what i dont want to do, and what i want to do, i cant carry it out." that battle? yea, thats tonight.

my heart is breaking. heavy. like this huge weight on my soul. there is so much that i dont understand. so much that i want to understand. and yet so much that i wont even begin to comprehend this side of being with jesus.

but, please tell me that we havent been abandoned here. that we havent been left to ourselves. i need to know that there is more than all this. there has to be, right? this cant possibly be all there is.

sorry that this most likely makes no sense, i just needed to write. its not like anyone is reading anyways. and if you are- hi. what do you think?

the monsters are real.

he is better.

Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You

Now the plans that I have made
Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
'Till its You alone I live for, You alone I live for.

night.

Things are different at night. The sun has now surrendered its territory to the stars and what was once filled with rays of hope is now filled with the void of the darkness. There is also something about the darkness; the way that it has a way of surrounding and suffocating. The piercing edge of the darkness finds its way to the corners of my heart more times than I would like to admit. It slices and cuts and cares not of race or age, or past or present. It is a relentless piercing that pokes and prods until its victim is rendered completely hopeless and powerless. Each night brings forth demons that I am growing weary of fighting. My hands are tired and my back hurts. My eyes are heavy with tears and my heart is wounded and sore.