whirlwind

i am sitting in starbucks...dowtown. tonight i am helping another store with inventory and so i will be working late into the night, er, early in the morning. its ok though, because lately i havent been sleeping. so much is going on right now in my life. from the outside looking in you probably wouldnt guess it, but there is so much that the Lord is doing. he has so specifically answered a prayer through the phone call of a dear friend. i had a meeting with the missions pastor at church today about the Sudan trip that i have applied for. that went so gloriously, there is no other way to explain it, other than the fact that the Lords hand was all over it. and then today, just about 20 minutes ago, i got another phone call from the lady i have been living with for the past several months...she got a job. praise Christ for the job, but sadly, she is moving. 2 hours away. and i know the Lord wants me here...and so i cant move. i dont want to move. i want to be here, to do life here, i want to see what the Lord is doing and what he will do with what he has started in me since i moved here...

so needless to say, its been an emotional whirlwind. -i've got to learn to trust the Lord, and he is being ever so gracious in teaching me that he is trustworthy and faithful...that he is good, and just, and righteous. and most of all he is completely sovereign in every part of my life...every part. and for that, i am so thankful.

thought for the day:

what is your spiritual gift?
(paha, no one will answer, but whatev, maybe one will...)

know that you are loved...dearly, by the creator of the universe.

pipe dreams.

and so i write...

just when i feel as though i am starting to get a handle on things...just when i begin to let go and trust in the grace and mercy of Jesus to be enough, something else falls apart around me. my soul tonight resonates with the father in mark 9 when exclaims "i do believe...help my unbelief!!" i believe that Christ is who he says he is, i do. even here in the dark, i believe he is light. but its so hard to live like it. i need him to help me with so many things. i need to trust that he is good- that everything in my life has been sifted through his fingers and for whatever reason allowed into my path in order that he may show his grace and mercy and somehow work his good, perfect will for my sanctification and his glory. but i cant see how...

but, i suppose its not up to me to see. "apart from you i cant see..." there is a way that seems right to man, and in the end it leads to death... i think that i am frustrated right now because i think that i could do a better job at being God than God can.

i cant.

i want so much. i want to make a difference. i want my 50 years or so to mean something to someone- anyone. somehow i want my story to be a light to those who sit in darkness; a small glimer of hope to those who have long since written off the idea of the dawn. i want those who feel that grace cannot reach them to be encouraged by my story that there is always enough grace. there is either grace enough to enjoy the day, or just enough grace to be sustained through it. praise Him that we are not called to endure through tomorrow, or even next week, next month, or next year...He says that He will give us just enough for right now. may we rest in the fact that He has only asked us to trust him for the strength to endure tonight. for in the morning His mercy is new and there is enough grace. i want making much of Him to be my dream fufilled. i want so much, but sometimes i am just so blinded by and afraid of the darkness that it paralyzes me and so i sit on my hands and refuse to move. in the end i want to be battered and bruised so that my kids wont have to wrestle with these demons and fight these battles. i want to be able to look back and praise our great God and King for all He has done and all He will continue to do...

sounds impossible.
sure. and i need His help. bad.
but a girl's got to have hope...might as well be in something, or someone greater than herself.

"oh my God shine your light on us, that we might live..."

somethings in the air.

tonight there is a lot in my head.

friend from high school was in a bad car accident. the driver was killed instantly, and she is in a coma back home. its so crazy. life is unpredictable. and short. transient. i dont know why this is effecting me like it is. life is weird. i am weird. and honestly, i suck at writing. i wish i was eloquent. i would write a book. really, i would. instead, i write short and choppy fragments that make up my jumbled thoughts.

my head hurts. my heart hurts. i am lonely. and sometimes i miss things. well, of course i miss things, what else would i miss. i think maybe, i will just sleep. try all this again tomorrow.

oh yea, its a new year. welcome to 2009.

hopefully this year will be different. i think i smell it in the air...you know, the good things...?

2 steps forward
1 step back

equals 1 step forward.