no one reads this. i am pretty much the biggest loser by continuing to write on this blog that no one reads and no one cares to read. and yet...i write. maybe its because i feel safer writing when i know no one will read. kinda like hiding in the closet even though no one is looking for you. you know what i mean? its just safer somehow. perhaps thats what this is for me. my closet. my safe place. in here no one can touch me. the world is so crazy sometimes and getting caught up in life is not safe. not at all. so i come here. to this made up, artificial safe house that i have created for myself. so here in this place...be safe, reader. be safe. if no where else you can feel safe i pray this is that place for you. reality is found here and that reality is that you are safe. the following is an excerpt of how i feel as of late. God is silent. i am alone. and i want to know why...

I am now out and about intentionally seeking God. And I can remember that moment in which God showed up to me in my hiding place and He said, 'Come on out. You don't have to hide anymore. What are you doing there?' I remember that moment, and now I have become a seeker of God and I am seeking Him. And in the same way that God came to Adam and Eve in the garden and said, 'Adam, where are you?' He came to me and said, 'Where are you?' And now I know where I'm at, and now the tables have turned and I have a question for Him, 'Where are You, God? Where are You? I can't find you. I'm out seeking you and I'm doing everything I can. Where are You? I didn't sign up for some cosmic game of hide-and-seek. How long, oh Lord, will You forget me forever? Will You hide Your face from me forever? Where are You?'” And we're thinking to ourselves, “Why can't we find God?” And if you're like me, you remember Psalm 139, and you realize that God's presence is always with you. And the truth of God's word is God's omnipresence, the teaching that God is always with us, in all places, at all times. But we don't just merely want to know that He's out there, we want to know that He's down here. We want to know that He's near us, we want more of Him in our lives, we want God's manifest presence, we want to experience Him, we want more Jesus but we can't find Him. And we're not lonely because of sin, we're not lonely for people, we're not lonely from hiding, we're lonely for God.

we must understand, that just because God is hiding His face from His children, does not mean that He has quit working. If anything, He is working in us that which is most pleasing to Him, faith. and so, when God is working to hide His face from us so that we may be filled with faith, it goes something like this, “Seek Me. I'm going to hide My face from you, but right now, I'm doing the most important work in you that I could ever do. I'm going to teach you what it means to diligently seek Me, period. And I'm going to give you a heart of worship that says I am worthy of worship, period, not for the things I do, but for who I am. So, are you going to turn to the world? Are you going to turn away, or are you going to keep pressing in? Because, right now, if you trust Me, I'm doing the most important thing that I could do. I'm working in you the things that please Me, and what pleases Me is faith that leads to worship.” So God has not turned away from us, though He hides His face from us. He's doing the most important thing He could do. He's giving us the level of faith and type of worship that makes Him smile.

no one is good there is not even one.

the front pages of papers of children raped by rapists. iraqi torture chambers and we the blamed claim we're blameless. wrong all. and swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us this arrogance. and our only line of defense is the sense that i'm not half as bad as this friend of mine so i must be fine. we mean well dont we. yet i've never seen good intentions set a man free from hurt all. this poor unfortunate soul filling a single void with toy after toy girl after boy. how boring. this wasnt meant to be humanity's life story. warring with God saying what have you done for me. bought all. hanging out for six hours marred beyond recognition in complete submission to the Father's will still a proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation. with more beauty than all His creation. more eternal than eternity more angelic than the heavenlies. it is done. you are bought with blood. accept. rejoice.

for freedom has come.

Now the day is over,
Night is drawing nigh,
Shadows of the evening
Steal across the sky

Jesus, give the weary
Calm and sweet repose;
With Thy tend’rest blessing
May mine eyelids close.

Grant to little children
Visions bright of Thee;
Guard the sailors tossing
On the deep, blue sea.

Comfort those who suffer,
Watching late in pain;
Those who plan some evil
From their sin restrain.

Through the long night watches
May Thine angels spread
Their white wings above me,
Watching round my bed.

When the morning wakens,
Then may I arise
Pure, and fresh, and sinless
In Thy holy eyes.