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common grace. future hope.

i could say a whole lot about the moments that are happening around me right now. an abundance of words filled my mind as i thought about what to say. but none of them seem to fit perfectly. nothing seems to work. life is happening. music is playing. the roommate and i have been cleaning and the patio door is open, along with the windows and its just good. i am about to go to the store and get some groceries, and then come home and cook and maybe watch a movie. tomorrow i am going to see my family. i'm excited. i love them. i really do. also, right now, in this moment, my heart is alright. there seems to be joy when the wind starts to get cooler and things begin to change. and i am thankful.

common grace. the grace that everyone in the world experiences. the grace to laugh so hard you pee your pants. the grace to enjoy a really good steak. the grace to hold your first child. the grace to fall in love. the grace to enjoy your favorite band at a concert. the grace to sit on your patio and feel the first breezes of fall. the grace to dance in the rain. all of it- common grace. thank you, jesus for common grace today.

but more than that, thank you for the grace that you have poured out on my life that gives me right-standing before God. thank you for pouring your wrath on Jesus, for making him who knew no sin to be sin for me so that i might become your righteousness in him. thank you for your grace that sets me free.

future hope. the hope that i have in the person and work of Jesus Christ. i have future hope in the fact that Jesus has redeemed my life. he has called me and justified me and is sanctifying me. and that in the last days i dont have to fear. the judgement seat of God is the privilege of every believer. it is the moment when we get to stand before the throne and plead the blood of Christ and praise his name for what he has done. it is a moment where we can fully rest in the work of the cross and a moment where we get to more fully praise his name for the work on the cross.

so thank you, Jesus, for common grace and future hope.
i am grateful today for these things.

from a friend...

TODAY
This is a day that the Lord has made
This is a day that my sins have been paid
So my flesh, it will fade
Cause the wrath has been laid
On His back, for His glory
So I share my life story
Knowing all He did for me
That His death, it absorbed all the sin that's before me
All the pain, all the guilt
All the pride and all the shame
Has been nailed to the cross
That's the reason why he came.
So that all would bow
And we would not know how
To have any response
Except praising His name.
and Declaring his fame
ALOUD! So I shout!
Take me out of this crowd
I can't stand to be proud
Of myself anymore for
My life is not found in the things I adore

So with the rocks I cry out
I will stand and I'll shout
I cant help but imagine what life is without My Jesus
Without Him my life would be torn into pieces

so Today I rejoice
May it not just be noise
But a voice that is heard
So that others may learn
So that others may yearn
For the gift that He gave when He died for our sin

No matter where you have been
All the hurt that's within
Can be taken away
And new life can begin

With the gift of today
On my knees I will say
I'm in need of a Savior
And there's no other way
To come to the father except through the son
To trust what is done
To no longer run
Cause that battle has been fought
And you've already won
Death holds me longer
That price has been paid
So I rejoice in this day that the Lord has made.

more to come.

I have been at a loss for words for the past week, and I finally decided it was time to write. Something. Anything. The things I have seen, the things I have felt, the children I have held, the smells, the tastes, the tears, the laughter, the walks, the traffic, and the stars...all have somehow been ingrained in my mind and written on my heart and have called me to rethink everything.

Language is a funny thing. It can be a barrier. It can be a bridge. It can bread hope or speak of devastation. One thing I have learned is that truth...love...and hope are spoken and speak in all languages.

The Lord, in his infinite grace and mercy allowed me to see this fleshed out. I boarded the plane on Thursday afternoon headed to a land I had only heard about...dreamed about even. Not knowing what to expect my mind raced at a million miles an hour. Who would I see? What would the people be like? Would I experience altitude sickness? What if my teammates don’t like me? Do I have enough money? What does my family think? Every question imaginable scrolled across my mind. And as I sit here back in the states the questions haven’t disappeared; only changed. What do I do with what I have seen? Why does my heart break for these people? Where is my team tonight; how are they doing? I wish they were here. What am I doing of eternal value with my money? What will my family think? How can I even begin to explain this to them? I am overwhelmed with everything. My heart is aching in ways I never thought it would; in ways I never thought it could. Over the last two weeks I have seen more than most people see in their entire lifetime. And, at 22, what do I do with it all? Surely this weight comes hand in hand with responsibility...

throw up.

my heart feels a little like my stomach tonight.

today was a busy day. woke up, watched cartoons with my nephew. hung out with my dad a bit, and then went to see my grandparents before i left town. true to form they expressed their wishes of me moving back to belton. that still hurts my heart. well anyway. right after that i filled up my tank and jumped onto 35 for a straight shot north to dallas. made really good time and got to go to church at 5 this evening. it was good. really good, actually. apparently the lord is trying to teach me something. show me something. or maybe even just show me himself. but...with my busy and emotion filled day i didnt stop to eat. not once. so last night at 630 was my last meal. and it was soup. really good soup, but still only soup. i got all shaky this evening from not eating, and so i decided i should probably eat something. so i had some rice and vegetables. tasted amazing...the first time around anyway.

all that to say...my heart is on overload.
after not "eating" for so long, it all is making my heart sick...

and it wants to throw up.

counter effective.

so- hey.

random tid-bit of information from today.

so this lady, kind of odd looking, frantically runs up to cash register where we have conveniently placed chocolate bars to tempt the unsuspecting customers...

so she lays a magazine down on the counter and picks 3, count them 3, chocolate bars...

i start scanning the items and she replys with "oh, no...not the magazine. i am going to read that while i eat those" - points at the chocolate.

stunned, i pause, trying to make sense of whats happening and i respond - "you are going to just read that...while you eat your chocolate?" she nods.

then she walks away, and just cant help but laugh.

the magazine - womens health.

thought

i told jess i would post random thoughts at night.

so, since i have had a few drinks, my thoughts are pretty random. and really...NO ONE reads this thing anyway, so what do i care about what i post.

sometimes i just want to be an angry teenage girl again.

thats it.

thats my random thought.

peace.

soon and very soon.

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him, I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going to the place He has prepared for me
Then my sin erased, my shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders round the thrown
At His feet I lay
My crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb, the Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

freedom.

today is 4 july 2009. here in the states its independence day. all across the world americans are drinking beer, eating hotdogs, playing by the pool, and watching fireworks and i cant help but think about what it is in us as humans thats causes such celebration.

maybe its cause we have known about this whole idea of freedom from the very beginning. maybe the story of being owned by someone or something else and then someone outside the situation swooping in and saving us has been written on our hearts since the first breath we took. its playing out all around us. its the air we breathe. and its the most beautiful story ever written. its the story of redemption. the story of being set free.

we were completely owned by sin and death. enslaved to that which only leads to death. and we couldnt and cant do anything about it. and jesus. being rich and mercy. because he loved us so much that he sent his son to save us...make us alive together with christ. he made us a new creation in christ, created to do good works. to walk in freedom and in life and in hope and joy and peace. he has set us free. really free.

so i wonder if there will be fireworks in heaven...?

whirlwind

i am sitting in starbucks...dowtown. tonight i am helping another store with inventory and so i will be working late into the night, er, early in the morning. its ok though, because lately i havent been sleeping. so much is going on right now in my life. from the outside looking in you probably wouldnt guess it, but there is so much that the Lord is doing. he has so specifically answered a prayer through the phone call of a dear friend. i had a meeting with the missions pastor at church today about the Sudan trip that i have applied for. that went so gloriously, there is no other way to explain it, other than the fact that the Lords hand was all over it. and then today, just about 20 minutes ago, i got another phone call from the lady i have been living with for the past several months...she got a job. praise Christ for the job, but sadly, she is moving. 2 hours away. and i know the Lord wants me here...and so i cant move. i dont want to move. i want to be here, to do life here, i want to see what the Lord is doing and what he will do with what he has started in me since i moved here...

so needless to say, its been an emotional whirlwind. -i've got to learn to trust the Lord, and he is being ever so gracious in teaching me that he is trustworthy and faithful...that he is good, and just, and righteous. and most of all he is completely sovereign in every part of my life...every part. and for that, i am so thankful.

thought for the day:

what is your spiritual gift?
(paha, no one will answer, but whatev, maybe one will...)

know that you are loved...dearly, by the creator of the universe.

pipe dreams.

and so i write...

just when i feel as though i am starting to get a handle on things...just when i begin to let go and trust in the grace and mercy of Jesus to be enough, something else falls apart around me. my soul tonight resonates with the father in mark 9 when exclaims "i do believe...help my unbelief!!" i believe that Christ is who he says he is, i do. even here in the dark, i believe he is light. but its so hard to live like it. i need him to help me with so many things. i need to trust that he is good- that everything in my life has been sifted through his fingers and for whatever reason allowed into my path in order that he may show his grace and mercy and somehow work his good, perfect will for my sanctification and his glory. but i cant see how...

but, i suppose its not up to me to see. "apart from you i cant see..." there is a way that seems right to man, and in the end it leads to death... i think that i am frustrated right now because i think that i could do a better job at being God than God can.

i cant.

i want so much. i want to make a difference. i want my 50 years or so to mean something to someone- anyone. somehow i want my story to be a light to those who sit in darkness; a small glimer of hope to those who have long since written off the idea of the dawn. i want those who feel that grace cannot reach them to be encouraged by my story that there is always enough grace. there is either grace enough to enjoy the day, or just enough grace to be sustained through it. praise Him that we are not called to endure through tomorrow, or even next week, next month, or next year...He says that He will give us just enough for right now. may we rest in the fact that He has only asked us to trust him for the strength to endure tonight. for in the morning His mercy is new and there is enough grace. i want making much of Him to be my dream fufilled. i want so much, but sometimes i am just so blinded by and afraid of the darkness that it paralyzes me and so i sit on my hands and refuse to move. in the end i want to be battered and bruised so that my kids wont have to wrestle with these demons and fight these battles. i want to be able to look back and praise our great God and King for all He has done and all He will continue to do...

sounds impossible.
sure. and i need His help. bad.
but a girl's got to have hope...might as well be in something, or someone greater than herself.

"oh my God shine your light on us, that we might live..."

somethings in the air.

tonight there is a lot in my head.

friend from high school was in a bad car accident. the driver was killed instantly, and she is in a coma back home. its so crazy. life is unpredictable. and short. transient. i dont know why this is effecting me like it is. life is weird. i am weird. and honestly, i suck at writing. i wish i was eloquent. i would write a book. really, i would. instead, i write short and choppy fragments that make up my jumbled thoughts.

my head hurts. my heart hurts. i am lonely. and sometimes i miss things. well, of course i miss things, what else would i miss. i think maybe, i will just sleep. try all this again tomorrow.

oh yea, its a new year. welcome to 2009.

hopefully this year will be different. i think i smell it in the air...you know, the good things...?