look up. remember the stars.

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

...covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. i ask you to remember"

-twloha

i may fall down, but i will rise.
it may be dark, but God is light...

hm?

i'm in a hurry to get things done
but i rush and rush til life's no fun...

all i really gotta do is live and die,
but i'm in a hurry and dont know why.

dance

life's a dance, you learn as you go.

sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow...

fish

if this week was a fish, i would throw it back.

from the floor.

the sun dances from the sky, darkness somehow won
it threw the light from the sky and now the day is done.
things are quiet now, i am left alone.
searching for a place to rest, a place that i call home.
is it in the darkness? or maybe in the light?
searching is such a daunting task, and its getting hard to fight.
i fight the demons in my head, i scream and shout for rest
i find that i'm no better, it seems i've failed the test.
when will this raging war stop knocking at my door?
will i ever rise again, or be lifted from the floor?
i feel so abandoned, so forgotten and so lost,
it seems i havent thought this through, i've forgotten what it costs.
its not about me, and never will it be.
and yet i continue to fight this war, thats waging inside of me.
"you're not worth it all" i hear the enemy scream.
i want this all to go away, i want it to be a dream.
it seems my father cant hear my voice, whispering in his ear
maybe i am not loud enough, but his promises are clear.
"never will i leave you" i quietly hear him say.
but i cant seem to feel him near while i'm travelling on this way.
my savior responds, "i hear your cries, your plea"
yet i dont understand why he wont speak up, or simply speak to me.
the enemy grows louder, shouting in my head
"you have nothing you could offer, you're better off just dead."
i cant stand his voice, it makes me weap and cry
where is someone to speak the truth in this world filled with lies?
"never will i leave you" i hear my jesus call,
"i want to replace the lies with truth, and catch you when you fall."
then jesus you have to help me, i cant do it without you.
you have got to get me up, and show me what to do.
"hold fast to what i have promised, dont give up on me;
the battle is not won here alone, just wait, my child and see."
"never will i leave you" i hear my savior call.
and i finally i'm beginning to trust him, to catch me when i fall.

people.

just because people do horrible things doesn't mean they are horrible people...

shes home.

she sits on the couch surrounded by people who are real, and honest, and family. finally she belongs. finally she fits. finally she is wanted. and she couldnt be more confused about it all than she is at this moment in time. she knows what the days ahead hold. they hold both hope and joy along with pain and suffering. the lord has so much to deal with in her. these people here will be her refuge. these people will poor so much life into her. and she is scared. up until this point in time she hasnt known true community. she hasnt known true, life giving community. the laughter fills the room and joy is there. tears are shed and the joy remains. prayers are heard. food is eaten. fellowship is enjoyed. life is real and good. and there is hope. there is always hope. she knows this and yet she is afraid. pray for her. this is all new and the next few days, or even weeks will be hard and rough and good. and in the end life is new. she is new...

moving

hey guys. its been a little while since i posted last. so much has happened since then. so so much. the lord continues to show his goodness and faithfulness. as many of you know i have been desiring to move out of town for sometime now. well, it looks like its happening. i will be moving to dallas and escaping temple for a little while. life is waiting. real, rough, abundant life. and i could not be more excited. pray for me as i begin this journey. come with me. it could be quite interesting.

podcast

i have been thinking lately. about a lot. i know that this thing is not read by many, if anyone...so i feel like i have the opportunity to be completely raw and honest-something i dont do all too often. this summer has been completely different than any other summer i have ever experienced. i have learned the effects of a blood clot, how to properly administer 3 types of medication daily, how to cook, that dog hair clogs up a vacuum, that boys never get easier to understand, physical relationships change everything, how to get paint out of a t-shirt in less than 5 minutes, being alone is quite lonely, and how to get safely to rowlett texas in 2 hours. the summer has been...interesting. so much has happened in so little time and it has just been welling up inside my head and heart and there is no one here that understands or cares to hear about it all. my faith is being...not re-evaluated -not tested...perhaps refined? or stretched? i dont know, either way i have been thinking about faith. and me. my faith really. i find myself thinking that God is more in love with some future version of me. not saying he doesnt love me now...just that he is more pleased with who i will be someday than he is with who i am now. i need to be more careful. i cant allow myself to think that. he is desperately in love with me now. why dont i get that? my faith seems to have become so intellectual. i feel like i know the answers, but i cant seem to find Jesus in it all. He seems so far from me. "what do you do in that moment where you wake up and everything that you profess to believe seems far from you? what do you do when you know all the answers but its not enough for your heart anymore?" the answers to the questions arent difficult. i know the answers. i just cant seem to find Jesus. what do you do then? pray for me friends. i have been finding that i have been on edge and rude and wrong in the way that i have been treating some people in my life. and i listened to a sermon tonight(first time hearing the word in a long time) and the strangest thing happened-

i was listening to this sermon and about 25 minutes into it, it skipped back about 10 minutes and repeated the same thing i just previously listened to...i was frustrated and about to fast forward it to the place where i left off and then i hear these words... "if i have an enemy to fight, i dont have to fight the enemy in me" how did i miss that the first time? how did i not hear it? i think i am scared to fight. so i continue to find enemies elsewhere...all the while the enemy is waging war inside my heart...pray for me friends. i have a feeling that i am about to head out in the desert so that father can kill some things in me.

so,...to the desert and God's provision therein.

faith

I think our faith comes in moments, yet there is a depth in those brief moments which constrains us to ascribe more reality to them than to all other experiences...

silent.

she sits silently in the dark. the low rumble of the fan and the glow of the computer screen are her only companions at this time of night. her mother lays motionless for the first time in hours and her quiet crying has stopped. she prays that her mothers pain has subsided and that she will finally be able to rest. the past few days have been hard. for everyone really. everyone pulling 40-hour work weeks and then coming home to take care of mom. she is beginning to grasp the reality of the fallen world. this week pain and suffering have become so real to her. seeing a parent suffer is excruciating. she is scared. really scared. but she doesnt let it show, even for a minute. she cant. she has to be strong for her mother. she needs to cry, but her eyes seem to be as dry and weary as her heart. she is still sitting in the dark when her mother begins to stir. her mother needs help. she is crying out for medicine and healing. only one of these things can be provided by her daughter. and so she reaches and turns the lamp on and with tired eyes she searches through the medicine on the counter and finds the right pills. still holding back tears she returns to her mother and makes a feeble attempt at providing comfort. and she prays that morning would soon arrive and that tomorrow would be a better day.

nothing left

guys, i am wearing thin. i am just about to the end of my rope. and the selfish part of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. but apparently i am more than that. please pray for me...and my family. and well, our hearts. because in all honesty- we've got nothing left.

there is always hope.

in light of recent events and in talking with a friend i have discovered a new passion in my life. well, perhaps its not new. maybe i have just been forced to slow down enough to realize it. after many sleepless nights, last night i was afforded a glorious 5 hours of rock hard sleep. upon waking, i realize that a dear friend of mine had sent me a message. it went a little something like this: "i want to mentor girls. young women, really. i want it to be one that touches on the CRAP of life. and all the joys...and i want you to help. i want to mentor. we dont have to have a program. i want to disciple." for awhile i have had that same idea, but no way to make it happen. i dont know if this message is a way for it to happen but at least its a start. maybe its just the little extra push i have needed for so long. because really, the passion of my heart is girls that have gone through what i have and some who have gone through much worse. i want them to know that there is hope. sometimes, most times actually, we have no idea why we are having to go through the things that we do. but I do know that to get to life, sometimes you have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. because I have come to learn that always life stands just on the other side of death. one of the most important things that I have learned through all of this is that God’s love is unchangeable yet it changes all things. even us who feel we are beyond hope. there is always hope. and i believe that He has saved me for this purpose. that His power might be shown and that girls from every nation may proclaim that His name is exalted. my hope is that they, along with myself, would claim that He is God, that He is good, and that He is worthy of worship...always.

In need of grace, In need of love;
In need of mercy raining down from high above.
In need of strength, in need of peace;
In need of things that only You can give to me.
In need of Christ, the perfect Lamb;
My refuge strong, the great I Am.


This is my song, my humble plea I am Your child, I am in need...


I am your child...I am in need. I have nothing left.
Nothing but you.

"and i know the heavens will call out your name if i dont..."

well, thats a good thing. cause right now, i dont know that i can.

i know no one really reads this thing, and if they do...well, i have no idea. but anyways, for those who pray, please pray for my family and my mom specifically. and for those who dont pray, please reconsider. last night my mom had to be rushed to the hospital because her leg had swollen up and she was in immense pain. after many tests and shots and poking, the doctors found that she had a severe blood clot in her left leg and part of it had broken off and travelled through her heart to her lungs. thus causing a pulmonary imbelysm(spelling?) aka-not good. she will be in critical care for the next day or so and then in the hospital another few days. right now we are hoping and praying that another part of the clot does not break off. it could end up in her heart and be much much worse. she is on blood thinners and pain medication right now. many people think that the blood thinners will dissolve the clot. wrong. all the blood thinners do is prevent another clot from forming. so please please pray that the clot would dissolve itself and that my mom would be ok. its been a very long day and i dont have any big words or deep thoughts, so i am sorry. and if you do read this, please post a comment so i know that i am not alone in this. i love you guys. thank you.

affections

what stirs your affections for jesus?

something stirred my heart today. not necessarily a thing. but a moment. a sweet jesus filled moment. a dear friend of mine who is now halfway around the world sent me a message asking me for some prayer. at first i wasnt shocked and didnt hesitate to assure her that all my prayers are in fact hers. after chatting a few minutes i was quickly called upon to step up and act on what i say is truth. come to find out, a sister of mine is struggling prety hardcore with some things and honestly i have no idea what it is. but if it is anything like we suppose, it is most definately a matter of life and death. physical life as well as spiritual life. and i contend that the latter is of far more value. in that moment of great need, i praise father that "for this very purpose he has raised me up, that he might show his power in me, and that his name might be proclaimed in all the earth". i beg you to fight for life. thats the thing about dying to self every day. its supposed to feel like death. but dear friend, life always stands on just the other side of death. so friend, endure the suffering. and praise father that he has found you worthy to suffer for the glory of his name. and then do not be foolish, but proclaim your sufferings and weaknesses, for it is in your weakness that he is all the more strong. this stirs my heart for him. the reality. the ugliness. the honesty. the vulnerability. everything about this situation speaks jesus to me. thank you father. continue to stir this passion in me.

so i ask you again, what stirs your affections for jesus? i urge you to seek it out. and then hold on to it and run with it because there is only one place it could have come from. apparently he has found you worthy...

you are loved.

night-time

there is something about the way night sounds here in texas. maybe its in the majority of america, but i only really know texas so i will keep it limited to that. there is just something about the night-time sounds that brings comfort and peace to my ever so unsettled heart. the crickets, or maybe its locusts -i dont know really know, but we'll pretend like i do. its comforting. it peaceful. and i think something about those sounds reminds me that all of creation is waiting in expectation of fathers return. those sounds let me know that i am not alone when it so often feels that way. someday...i will miss that sound.

tonight was a hard night in a lot of ways. nothing in particular happened that was awful or life-altering, it was just hard. a lot of emotions were felt again, and i wouldnt let myself cry. maybe i should have. its ok to cry. but something inside me says not to. "dont let people see that you are weak." ...who cares anymore.


"take not thy presence from me. for i desire to know you more. for you are worthy of all. you're worthy of all i am and more. i need to set my mind on things above on the holiness and glory of my god. in the heavens and in my heart you created a mountain and who set a spark that grew into a flame that burns deeply for you. overwhelm me. take me from this place and put me in the place where you are. overwhelm me. shake the ground i stand on, i want to be dependent on you. i stand before you king. filthy. unworthy. you still wash me clean. and say to me my child you're worthy. i need to set my mind on things above on the holiness and glory of my god. in the heavens and in my heart. who created a mountain and set a spark that grew into a flame. overwhelm me. shake from this place and put me in the place where you are. overwhlem me. shake the ground i stand on i want to be dependent on you."

light has come.

"When the storm is raging all around me You are the peace that calms My troubled sea"

storms dont usually bother me. one time, when i was in the 4th grade, i was in what is known around here as "the Jarrell tornado". it was an F5 tornado that travelled about 100 miles straight down I-35 and killed about 12 people and completely devestated everything in its path. keep in mind that 1) i was in the 4th grade 2) i was in the duck and cover position for about 4 hours and 3) 12 people were killed less than a mile away from where i was. i dont know what scared me the most...the storm itself, or the fact that i had no idea what was going on and i had no control over everything that was happening.

i think that may be my problem as of late. there is this storm raging in my life and i have no control. but you see, the problem is that i pretend that i do. i pretend that i have things figured out and i pretend that i know whats going on, when really, none of this is up to me. storms come and yet i still hope that one day the sun will come out again. i hope against hope that my dear friend was right when she exclaimed "its not going to rain the rest of your life..."

storms come. lightning strikes. and the lights go out. and sometimes all you can do is sit in the dark for awhile and pray that the light comes. and when it does, dont be foolish and ignore it. rejoice that the light is here and the storm is over. because dear friend...its not going to rain the rest of your life.

journal entry.

so... i think that i will now post something written in my journal just a few nights ago. its real. its honest. and its me. take it as you will.

"once again i have become a stranger to you. once again have i allowed myself to enter this place i have sworn, more times than i can count, to never return. and yet, here i am. these words, like most honest words are being written after the day has passed and everyone is fast asleep. everyone but me. i am here, and although i feel very terrifyingly alone, i know that i am not. now the tears come. they begin to fill up my bloodshot, tired eyes and yet for some reason, unknown to me, i wont let them fall. maybe i am afraid that they are more real than i would really like to admit. i dont know why i allow myself to reach this point and i hate that i allow myself to become this person.i am supposed to be the one who has things figured out. i am supposed to be ok and when i am not i think it scares me more than it scares anyone else. as of late it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile my heart and my mind...

all to jesus, i surrender. all to him i freely give. i will ever love and trust him, in his presence daily live. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior. i surrender all. all to jesus, i surrender. humbly at his feet i bow. worldly pleasures all forsaking, take me jesus take me now. all to jesus, i surrender, lord i give myself to thee. fill me with thy love and power let your blessing fall on me. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior, i surrender all.

this song cannot be just another song. it must become truth. my truth. your truth. it must become reality. no longer can i play games. i cant continue being full of empty words. no more just giving up control to what i am comfortable. its all yours. this burden, this is something i cannot carry alone. and you've never intended for me to carry this alone. i cant keep pretending that my back doesnt hurt and my legs arent weak and tired. because if i am being completely honest, my legs are tired...i am tired. you have promised to help and here i am begging you to be true to yourself. meet me here. i surrender all. you have promised and you are faithful. you cannot deny yourself. only in you have i anything good. only in you. you ALONE are my righteousness. now, and i am surprised that its not too late, i am claiming it. you are my righteousness. and right now, more than ever, i need you to be that for me.

i surrender all. and here i wait in expectation."

lauren and I-35

i feel the need to write again. a super good friend and sister of mine called me unexpectedly today. i say unexpectedly because 1) she just left the dominican and haiti, and is now travelling on her way to mexico. and 2) i didnt think she had her phone or if she did that she would be able to call. but nevertheless, she called and the first words i hear are "i am in your town!! i just saw a huge sign that said welcome to ---!!!" of course, i was slow to believe that this girl from minnesota, who was just previously out of the country would be in my small little hick town smack dab in the middle of texas. which happens to be one of the largest, if not the largest state in the U.S.A. so here's to you Interstate 35. you bring people together in this world and we never stop to thank you. thank you 35 for keeping us all somehow oddly enough connected. i salute you. and lauren, here's to you. thank you for serving without second thought. you are a blessing. know that i am praying for you and anxiously awaiting a phone call for when you return on good ol' I-35. you should try convincing them that my town is really a superb place to stop and eat. really, we do have lots of good restaraunts right off the interstate. :) i love you. thank you for the phone call. i look forward to talking to you more. be brave, dear friend. have courage.

blog.

a "friend" of mine, i say that because we aren't technically friends...but we are, just not in person i suppose. well, whatever. hi anne. a friend of mine encouraged me to invest in this blog thing. so here i am, close to midnight typing away at my laptop trying to think of something sensible to say. and i hate to break it to you, but i've got nothing.

people have been unusually annoying to me lately. that is weird to me, because normally i love love love people. and today and lately, i think that some people in this world just need a good swift kick in the ass before they realize how ignorant or stupid or irrational they are being.

let me know if anyone reads this. i feel so very blogger ignored lately. i need some affirmation.

i was thinking of jumping...

This space could be taken up a million different ways. You could be reading a love story. An obituary. A personal ad. A death threat. A wanted poster. Your lotto numbers. You could be reading about aerospace engineering, 101 ways to please your lover, the stock exchange, poetic devices in 18th century literature, or the cheap thrills and many benefits crack cocaine has to offer. You could be reading the number of calories in your power bar, how to start your own online enterprise, or the effects of reading badly written discourse on the nature of irrelevancy on one's eyesight. But instead you're reading this.

So here's to that. And that. As a matter of fact, here's three-cheers to all the wasted space, missed opportunities, and above all, the steady decline in my thought process as of late. Irony tends to collect, you see, but nothing like all the cliché, overdone faux-metaphors that I find myself growing out of before they happen. I'm sick of reinvention and I'm sick of staying the same. Little comfort and compromise has been found in my recent habit of drifting from personality to personality, therefore... I need something new. I need to stop wasting time, I need to stop wasting space.

One day I'm going to leave this insipid town and start a fucking revolution. Now that's something I could drink to.