podcast

i have been thinking lately. about a lot. i know that this thing is not read by many, if anyone...so i feel like i have the opportunity to be completely raw and honest-something i dont do all too often. this summer has been completely different than any other summer i have ever experienced. i have learned the effects of a blood clot, how to properly administer 3 types of medication daily, how to cook, that dog hair clogs up a vacuum, that boys never get easier to understand, physical relationships change everything, how to get paint out of a t-shirt in less than 5 minutes, being alone is quite lonely, and how to get safely to rowlett texas in 2 hours. the summer has been...interesting. so much has happened in so little time and it has just been welling up inside my head and heart and there is no one here that understands or cares to hear about it all. my faith is being...not re-evaluated -not tested...perhaps refined? or stretched? i dont know, either way i have been thinking about faith. and me. my faith really. i find myself thinking that God is more in love with some future version of me. not saying he doesnt love me now...just that he is more pleased with who i will be someday than he is with who i am now. i need to be more careful. i cant allow myself to think that. he is desperately in love with me now. why dont i get that? my faith seems to have become so intellectual. i feel like i know the answers, but i cant seem to find Jesus in it all. He seems so far from me. "what do you do in that moment where you wake up and everything that you profess to believe seems far from you? what do you do when you know all the answers but its not enough for your heart anymore?" the answers to the questions arent difficult. i know the answers. i just cant seem to find Jesus. what do you do then? pray for me friends. i have been finding that i have been on edge and rude and wrong in the way that i have been treating some people in my life. and i listened to a sermon tonight(first time hearing the word in a long time) and the strangest thing happened-

i was listening to this sermon and about 25 minutes into it, it skipped back about 10 minutes and repeated the same thing i just previously listened to...i was frustrated and about to fast forward it to the place where i left off and then i hear these words... "if i have an enemy to fight, i dont have to fight the enemy in me" how did i miss that the first time? how did i not hear it? i think i am scared to fight. so i continue to find enemies elsewhere...all the while the enemy is waging war inside my heart...pray for me friends. i have a feeling that i am about to head out in the desert so that father can kill some things in me.

so,...to the desert and God's provision therein.

faith

I think our faith comes in moments, yet there is a depth in those brief moments which constrains us to ascribe more reality to them than to all other experiences...

silent.

she sits silently in the dark. the low rumble of the fan and the glow of the computer screen are her only companions at this time of night. her mother lays motionless for the first time in hours and her quiet crying has stopped. she prays that her mothers pain has subsided and that she will finally be able to rest. the past few days have been hard. for everyone really. everyone pulling 40-hour work weeks and then coming home to take care of mom. she is beginning to grasp the reality of the fallen world. this week pain and suffering have become so real to her. seeing a parent suffer is excruciating. she is scared. really scared. but she doesnt let it show, even for a minute. she cant. she has to be strong for her mother. she needs to cry, but her eyes seem to be as dry and weary as her heart. she is still sitting in the dark when her mother begins to stir. her mother needs help. she is crying out for medicine and healing. only one of these things can be provided by her daughter. and so she reaches and turns the lamp on and with tired eyes she searches through the medicine on the counter and finds the right pills. still holding back tears she returns to her mother and makes a feeble attempt at providing comfort. and she prays that morning would soon arrive and that tomorrow would be a better day.

nothing left

guys, i am wearing thin. i am just about to the end of my rope. and the selfish part of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. but apparently i am more than that. please pray for me...and my family. and well, our hearts. because in all honesty- we've got nothing left.

there is always hope.

in light of recent events and in talking with a friend i have discovered a new passion in my life. well, perhaps its not new. maybe i have just been forced to slow down enough to realize it. after many sleepless nights, last night i was afforded a glorious 5 hours of rock hard sleep. upon waking, i realize that a dear friend of mine had sent me a message. it went a little something like this: "i want to mentor girls. young women, really. i want it to be one that touches on the CRAP of life. and all the joys...and i want you to help. i want to mentor. we dont have to have a program. i want to disciple." for awhile i have had that same idea, but no way to make it happen. i dont know if this message is a way for it to happen but at least its a start. maybe its just the little extra push i have needed for so long. because really, the passion of my heart is girls that have gone through what i have and some who have gone through much worse. i want them to know that there is hope. sometimes, most times actually, we have no idea why we are having to go through the things that we do. but I do know that to get to life, sometimes you have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. because I have come to learn that always life stands just on the other side of death. one of the most important things that I have learned through all of this is that God’s love is unchangeable yet it changes all things. even us who feel we are beyond hope. there is always hope. and i believe that He has saved me for this purpose. that His power might be shown and that girls from every nation may proclaim that His name is exalted. my hope is that they, along with myself, would claim that He is God, that He is good, and that He is worthy of worship...always.

In need of grace, In need of love;
In need of mercy raining down from high above.
In need of strength, in need of peace;
In need of things that only You can give to me.
In need of Christ, the perfect Lamb;
My refuge strong, the great I Am.


This is my song, my humble plea I am Your child, I am in need...


I am your child...I am in need. I have nothing left.
Nothing but you.

"and i know the heavens will call out your name if i dont..."

well, thats a good thing. cause right now, i dont know that i can.

i know no one really reads this thing, and if they do...well, i have no idea. but anyways, for those who pray, please pray for my family and my mom specifically. and for those who dont pray, please reconsider. last night my mom had to be rushed to the hospital because her leg had swollen up and she was in immense pain. after many tests and shots and poking, the doctors found that she had a severe blood clot in her left leg and part of it had broken off and travelled through her heart to her lungs. thus causing a pulmonary imbelysm(spelling?) aka-not good. she will be in critical care for the next day or so and then in the hospital another few days. right now we are hoping and praying that another part of the clot does not break off. it could end up in her heart and be much much worse. she is on blood thinners and pain medication right now. many people think that the blood thinners will dissolve the clot. wrong. all the blood thinners do is prevent another clot from forming. so please please pray that the clot would dissolve itself and that my mom would be ok. its been a very long day and i dont have any big words or deep thoughts, so i am sorry. and if you do read this, please post a comment so i know that i am not alone in this. i love you guys. thank you.

affections

what stirs your affections for jesus?

something stirred my heart today. not necessarily a thing. but a moment. a sweet jesus filled moment. a dear friend of mine who is now halfway around the world sent me a message asking me for some prayer. at first i wasnt shocked and didnt hesitate to assure her that all my prayers are in fact hers. after chatting a few minutes i was quickly called upon to step up and act on what i say is truth. come to find out, a sister of mine is struggling prety hardcore with some things and honestly i have no idea what it is. but if it is anything like we suppose, it is most definately a matter of life and death. physical life as well as spiritual life. and i contend that the latter is of far more value. in that moment of great need, i praise father that "for this very purpose he has raised me up, that he might show his power in me, and that his name might be proclaimed in all the earth". i beg you to fight for life. thats the thing about dying to self every day. its supposed to feel like death. but dear friend, life always stands on just the other side of death. so friend, endure the suffering. and praise father that he has found you worthy to suffer for the glory of his name. and then do not be foolish, but proclaim your sufferings and weaknesses, for it is in your weakness that he is all the more strong. this stirs my heart for him. the reality. the ugliness. the honesty. the vulnerability. everything about this situation speaks jesus to me. thank you father. continue to stir this passion in me.

so i ask you again, what stirs your affections for jesus? i urge you to seek it out. and then hold on to it and run with it because there is only one place it could have come from. apparently he has found you worthy...

you are loved.