i could just throw up.

"tragedy always comes. not the losing-your-homework kind or the having-to-flush-your-goldfish kind, but the kind that leaves you stripped. the kind that tears from you all the ideas about living you once believed untearable."

"the fall has made monkeys out of us for crying outloud. some of us are athletes, some are physicists, and some of us are good-looking and some of us are rich, and we are all running around, in a way, trying to get people to clap for us, trying to get a bunch of people to say that we are normal, we are healthy, we are good. often when i want someone to like me, i am really wanting them to say that i am redeemed, that i am not a loser, that i can stay in the boat, stay in this circus, that my act redeems me."

"growing up in a small conservative church in the South, you hear more about morality than you do about Christ. if you were immoral, if you danced, drank, or cussed, you were made to feel that God no longer liked you. and if you were moral, you were made not to feel one with Christ, but right and good and better than other people. these things were not stated directly, but the enviroment left me with this impression. christian spirituality, then, hinged on whether or not a person behaved. what good does it do to tell someone to be moral if fifty years later they can die and, apparently, go to hell?"


just some of my feelings as of late...

dear you,

life is crazy. school is about to get started and already i feel like i am running 900mph around this little town and getting absolutely nowhere. have you ever confused a dream with life? have you ever thought your train moving while sitting still? i feel like my life counts for nothing. and thats not what i want. i want things to be changed when i am gone. just like every other person in the world, i want my life to mean something, to leave my mark on this world.

my heart is burdened with the people of this world, and probably now more than ever have actually sat around and thought about people really really really going to hell. i know its something that people always talk about but i mean, have you just sat down and thought about your friends that dont know Jesus spending eternity in hell? we have become so tolerant and so accepting of other religions, not wanting to offend anyone. i am not say we should not accept them or be mean to them, but its not fair to believe the lie that all religions are equal and everyone will get to God maybe just a different way. i beg to differ. Jesus Christ is the way. not muhammed. not allah. not buddha. no one on earth will be saved but by the name of Jesus Christ. thats it. thats the plain and simple truth. the words "absolute truth" have come up a lot in my mind lately, and for so long i have wanted something, anything, to be absolute. something certain, and thats just it, i found it. there is a God. He has made Himself known to us. He is not hiding. nor is He absent. we have access to Him. He is not just truth for us, He is true for ALL people, in all places, and at all times. He is absolute. and He is true. He is my absolute truth. and He is yours. you just might not know it yet.

thats all.

worry.

worry is what gives small things big shadows...

the one where i dont know...

here we are. back here at this oh-so-familiar keyboard. somehow i think each time i write or type something it will sound better; more profound. it doesnt.

life is about to pick up about 900 miles per hour. literally. and for once i am okay with that. i am tired of having free time to just think...thinking should be off limits for me. you know like when you were a kid and you would go into the dishes section at dillards or something and your mom would make you put your hands behind your back...thats me. all the time. "alison, just put your hands behind your back and try not to break anything." cause then if i do break something, i've screwed everything up again. thank the Lord that i haven't broken anything lately. or at least if i have it is still in the process of falling apart.

i am fighting with my dad. hardcore this time. he hung up on me in the middle of a conversation the other day and he never does that. ever. he's pissed about me and school, and how my mom doesn't give a flying rat's left leg about me and helping out or whatever. he keeps asking me, "do you think its fair for me to have to pay for everything on my own" well first of he doesn't really pay for anything. he helped me get my car fixed. i paid for all of my school on my stinkin' own. and does he really think its fair that i still have to choose sides between them although the divorce was 4 years ago?! i mean really...who got the shitty end of the deal here?

i think i am gonna do whatever the hell i want...