night-time

there is something about the way night sounds here in texas. maybe its in the majority of america, but i only really know texas so i will keep it limited to that. there is just something about the night-time sounds that brings comfort and peace to my ever so unsettled heart. the crickets, or maybe its locusts -i dont know really know, but we'll pretend like i do. its comforting. it peaceful. and i think something about those sounds reminds me that all of creation is waiting in expectation of fathers return. those sounds let me know that i am not alone when it so often feels that way. someday...i will miss that sound.

tonight was a hard night in a lot of ways. nothing in particular happened that was awful or life-altering, it was just hard. a lot of emotions were felt again, and i wouldnt let myself cry. maybe i should have. its ok to cry. but something inside me says not to. "dont let people see that you are weak." ...who cares anymore.


"take not thy presence from me. for i desire to know you more. for you are worthy of all. you're worthy of all i am and more. i need to set my mind on things above on the holiness and glory of my god. in the heavens and in my heart you created a mountain and who set a spark that grew into a flame that burns deeply for you. overwhelm me. take me from this place and put me in the place where you are. overwhelm me. shake the ground i stand on, i want to be dependent on you. i stand before you king. filthy. unworthy. you still wash me clean. and say to me my child you're worthy. i need to set my mind on things above on the holiness and glory of my god. in the heavens and in my heart. who created a mountain and set a spark that grew into a flame. overwhelm me. shake from this place and put me in the place where you are. overwhlem me. shake the ground i stand on i want to be dependent on you."

light has come.

"When the storm is raging all around me You are the peace that calms My troubled sea"

storms dont usually bother me. one time, when i was in the 4th grade, i was in what is known around here as "the Jarrell tornado". it was an F5 tornado that travelled about 100 miles straight down I-35 and killed about 12 people and completely devestated everything in its path. keep in mind that 1) i was in the 4th grade 2) i was in the duck and cover position for about 4 hours and 3) 12 people were killed less than a mile away from where i was. i dont know what scared me the most...the storm itself, or the fact that i had no idea what was going on and i had no control over everything that was happening.

i think that may be my problem as of late. there is this storm raging in my life and i have no control. but you see, the problem is that i pretend that i do. i pretend that i have things figured out and i pretend that i know whats going on, when really, none of this is up to me. storms come and yet i still hope that one day the sun will come out again. i hope against hope that my dear friend was right when she exclaimed "its not going to rain the rest of your life..."

storms come. lightning strikes. and the lights go out. and sometimes all you can do is sit in the dark for awhile and pray that the light comes. and when it does, dont be foolish and ignore it. rejoice that the light is here and the storm is over. because dear friend...its not going to rain the rest of your life.

journal entry.

so... i think that i will now post something written in my journal just a few nights ago. its real. its honest. and its me. take it as you will.

"once again i have become a stranger to you. once again have i allowed myself to enter this place i have sworn, more times than i can count, to never return. and yet, here i am. these words, like most honest words are being written after the day has passed and everyone is fast asleep. everyone but me. i am here, and although i feel very terrifyingly alone, i know that i am not. now the tears come. they begin to fill up my bloodshot, tired eyes and yet for some reason, unknown to me, i wont let them fall. maybe i am afraid that they are more real than i would really like to admit. i dont know why i allow myself to reach this point and i hate that i allow myself to become this person.i am supposed to be the one who has things figured out. i am supposed to be ok and when i am not i think it scares me more than it scares anyone else. as of late it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile my heart and my mind...

all to jesus, i surrender. all to him i freely give. i will ever love and trust him, in his presence daily live. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior. i surrender all. all to jesus, i surrender. humbly at his feet i bow. worldly pleasures all forsaking, take me jesus take me now. all to jesus, i surrender, lord i give myself to thee. fill me with thy love and power let your blessing fall on me. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior, i surrender all.

this song cannot be just another song. it must become truth. my truth. your truth. it must become reality. no longer can i play games. i cant continue being full of empty words. no more just giving up control to what i am comfortable. its all yours. this burden, this is something i cannot carry alone. and you've never intended for me to carry this alone. i cant keep pretending that my back doesnt hurt and my legs arent weak and tired. because if i am being completely honest, my legs are tired...i am tired. you have promised to help and here i am begging you to be true to yourself. meet me here. i surrender all. you have promised and you are faithful. you cannot deny yourself. only in you have i anything good. only in you. you ALONE are my righteousness. now, and i am surprised that its not too late, i am claiming it. you are my righteousness. and right now, more than ever, i need you to be that for me.

i surrender all. and here i wait in expectation."

lauren and I-35

i feel the need to write again. a super good friend and sister of mine called me unexpectedly today. i say unexpectedly because 1) she just left the dominican and haiti, and is now travelling on her way to mexico. and 2) i didnt think she had her phone or if she did that she would be able to call. but nevertheless, she called and the first words i hear are "i am in your town!! i just saw a huge sign that said welcome to ---!!!" of course, i was slow to believe that this girl from minnesota, who was just previously out of the country would be in my small little hick town smack dab in the middle of texas. which happens to be one of the largest, if not the largest state in the U.S.A. so here's to you Interstate 35. you bring people together in this world and we never stop to thank you. thank you 35 for keeping us all somehow oddly enough connected. i salute you. and lauren, here's to you. thank you for serving without second thought. you are a blessing. know that i am praying for you and anxiously awaiting a phone call for when you return on good ol' I-35. you should try convincing them that my town is really a superb place to stop and eat. really, we do have lots of good restaraunts right off the interstate. :) i love you. thank you for the phone call. i look forward to talking to you more. be brave, dear friend. have courage.

blog.

a "friend" of mine, i say that because we aren't technically friends...but we are, just not in person i suppose. well, whatever. hi anne. a friend of mine encouraged me to invest in this blog thing. so here i am, close to midnight typing away at my laptop trying to think of something sensible to say. and i hate to break it to you, but i've got nothing.

people have been unusually annoying to me lately. that is weird to me, because normally i love love love people. and today and lately, i think that some people in this world just need a good swift kick in the ass before they realize how ignorant or stupid or irrational they are being.

let me know if anyone reads this. i feel so very blogger ignored lately. i need some affirmation.

i was thinking of jumping...