no one reads this. i am pretty much the biggest loser by continuing to write on this blog that no one reads and no one cares to read. and yet...i write. maybe its because i feel safer writing when i know no one will read. kinda like hiding in the closet even though no one is looking for you. you know what i mean? its just safer somehow. perhaps thats what this is for me. my closet. my safe place. in here no one can touch me. the world is so crazy sometimes and getting caught up in life is not safe. not at all. so i come here. to this made up, artificial safe house that i have created for myself. so here in this place...be safe, reader. be safe. if no where else you can feel safe i pray this is that place for you. reality is found here and that reality is that you are safe. the following is an excerpt of how i feel as of late. God is silent. i am alone. and i want to know why...

I am now out and about intentionally seeking God. And I can remember that moment in which God showed up to me in my hiding place and He said, 'Come on out. You don't have to hide anymore. What are you doing there?' I remember that moment, and now I have become a seeker of God and I am seeking Him. And in the same way that God came to Adam and Eve in the garden and said, 'Adam, where are you?' He came to me and said, 'Where are you?' And now I know where I'm at, and now the tables have turned and I have a question for Him, 'Where are You, God? Where are You? I can't find you. I'm out seeking you and I'm doing everything I can. Where are You? I didn't sign up for some cosmic game of hide-and-seek. How long, oh Lord, will You forget me forever? Will You hide Your face from me forever? Where are You?'” And we're thinking to ourselves, “Why can't we find God?” And if you're like me, you remember Psalm 139, and you realize that God's presence is always with you. And the truth of God's word is God's omnipresence, the teaching that God is always with us, in all places, at all times. But we don't just merely want to know that He's out there, we want to know that He's down here. We want to know that He's near us, we want more of Him in our lives, we want God's manifest presence, we want to experience Him, we want more Jesus but we can't find Him. And we're not lonely because of sin, we're not lonely for people, we're not lonely from hiding, we're lonely for God.

we must understand, that just because God is hiding His face from His children, does not mean that He has quit working. If anything, He is working in us that which is most pleasing to Him, faith. and so, when God is working to hide His face from us so that we may be filled with faith, it goes something like this, “Seek Me. I'm going to hide My face from you, but right now, I'm doing the most important work in you that I could ever do. I'm going to teach you what it means to diligently seek Me, period. And I'm going to give you a heart of worship that says I am worthy of worship, period, not for the things I do, but for who I am. So, are you going to turn to the world? Are you going to turn away, or are you going to keep pressing in? Because, right now, if you trust Me, I'm doing the most important thing that I could do. I'm working in you the things that please Me, and what pleases Me is faith that leads to worship.” So God has not turned away from us, though He hides His face from us. He's doing the most important thing He could do. He's giving us the level of faith and type of worship that makes Him smile.

no one is good there is not even one.

the front pages of papers of children raped by rapists. iraqi torture chambers and we the blamed claim we're blameless. wrong all. and swelling up inside of us there's this pride in us this arrogance. and our only line of defense is the sense that i'm not half as bad as this friend of mine so i must be fine. we mean well dont we. yet i've never seen good intentions set a man free from hurt all. this poor unfortunate soul filling a single void with toy after toy girl after boy. how boring. this wasnt meant to be humanity's life story. warring with God saying what have you done for me. bought all. hanging out for six hours marred beyond recognition in complete submission to the Father's will still a proclamation was made louder than the loudest temptation. with more beauty than all His creation. more eternal than eternity more angelic than the heavenlies. it is done. you are bought with blood. accept. rejoice.

for freedom has come.

Now the day is over,
Night is drawing nigh,
Shadows of the evening
Steal across the sky

Jesus, give the weary
Calm and sweet repose;
With Thy tend’rest blessing
May mine eyelids close.

Grant to little children
Visions bright of Thee;
Guard the sailors tossing
On the deep, blue sea.

Comfort those who suffer,
Watching late in pain;
Those who plan some evil
From their sin restrain.

Through the long night watches
May Thine angels spread
Their white wings above me,
Watching round my bed.

When the morning wakens,
Then may I arise
Pure, and fresh, and sinless
In Thy holy eyes.

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live

We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together
We will sing We will sing Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

since no one will ask me directly what i think...i will let John Piper explain myself, and i hope you are listening.

the great tragedy of the church today is its abundance of “yes men”. we are so affirming of others that no one has the boldness to tell anyone they are wasting their life on temporal things.

the decline of the influence of the church in America is not because the world has become more secular but because the church has. we have claimed to have treasure in Heaven but chased after the same treasure as the world. do we think that we have fooled them? this has damaging effects on our evangelism and paralyzing effects in our church. why question the things you are giving your life to when all of the other spiritual people you know are headed down the same wide path. most don’t question. when someone does make a radical commitment to join God in engaging the lost world, we say that they are called to “ministry”. in reality, the Bible only speaks of one calling-the calling to salvation. lordship ministry, evangelism, and missions are not electives for the Christian life. THEY COME WITH THE JOB DESCRIPTION. ministry is the business of every believer.

the idea of those who are “called” to ministry or missions is a category that we have made up, not to explain their behavior but to excuse ours. this idea attempts to justify the validity of a Christian who somehow doesn’t do any of the things that Christ did or commanded us to do.

i could just throw up.

"tragedy always comes. not the losing-your-homework kind or the having-to-flush-your-goldfish kind, but the kind that leaves you stripped. the kind that tears from you all the ideas about living you once believed untearable."

"the fall has made monkeys out of us for crying outloud. some of us are athletes, some are physicists, and some of us are good-looking and some of us are rich, and we are all running around, in a way, trying to get people to clap for us, trying to get a bunch of people to say that we are normal, we are healthy, we are good. often when i want someone to like me, i am really wanting them to say that i am redeemed, that i am not a loser, that i can stay in the boat, stay in this circus, that my act redeems me."

"growing up in a small conservative church in the South, you hear more about morality than you do about Christ. if you were immoral, if you danced, drank, or cussed, you were made to feel that God no longer liked you. and if you were moral, you were made not to feel one with Christ, but right and good and better than other people. these things were not stated directly, but the enviroment left me with this impression. christian spirituality, then, hinged on whether or not a person behaved. what good does it do to tell someone to be moral if fifty years later they can die and, apparently, go to hell?"


just some of my feelings as of late...

dear you,

life is crazy. school is about to get started and already i feel like i am running 900mph around this little town and getting absolutely nowhere. have you ever confused a dream with life? have you ever thought your train moving while sitting still? i feel like my life counts for nothing. and thats not what i want. i want things to be changed when i am gone. just like every other person in the world, i want my life to mean something, to leave my mark on this world.

my heart is burdened with the people of this world, and probably now more than ever have actually sat around and thought about people really really really going to hell. i know its something that people always talk about but i mean, have you just sat down and thought about your friends that dont know Jesus spending eternity in hell? we have become so tolerant and so accepting of other religions, not wanting to offend anyone. i am not say we should not accept them or be mean to them, but its not fair to believe the lie that all religions are equal and everyone will get to God maybe just a different way. i beg to differ. Jesus Christ is the way. not muhammed. not allah. not buddha. no one on earth will be saved but by the name of Jesus Christ. thats it. thats the plain and simple truth. the words "absolute truth" have come up a lot in my mind lately, and for so long i have wanted something, anything, to be absolute. something certain, and thats just it, i found it. there is a God. He has made Himself known to us. He is not hiding. nor is He absent. we have access to Him. He is not just truth for us, He is true for ALL people, in all places, and at all times. He is absolute. and He is true. He is my absolute truth. and He is yours. you just might not know it yet.

thats all.

worry.

worry is what gives small things big shadows...

the one where i dont know...

here we are. back here at this oh-so-familiar keyboard. somehow i think each time i write or type something it will sound better; more profound. it doesnt.

life is about to pick up about 900 miles per hour. literally. and for once i am okay with that. i am tired of having free time to just think...thinking should be off limits for me. you know like when you were a kid and you would go into the dishes section at dillards or something and your mom would make you put your hands behind your back...thats me. all the time. "alison, just put your hands behind your back and try not to break anything." cause then if i do break something, i've screwed everything up again. thank the Lord that i haven't broken anything lately. or at least if i have it is still in the process of falling apart.

i am fighting with my dad. hardcore this time. he hung up on me in the middle of a conversation the other day and he never does that. ever. he's pissed about me and school, and how my mom doesn't give a flying rat's left leg about me and helping out or whatever. he keeps asking me, "do you think its fair for me to have to pay for everything on my own" well first of he doesn't really pay for anything. he helped me get my car fixed. i paid for all of my school on my stinkin' own. and does he really think its fair that i still have to choose sides between them although the divorce was 4 years ago?! i mean really...who got the shitty end of the deal here?

i think i am gonna do whatever the hell i want...