pipe dreams.

and so i write...

just when i feel as though i am starting to get a handle on things...just when i begin to let go and trust in the grace and mercy of Jesus to be enough, something else falls apart around me. my soul tonight resonates with the father in mark 9 when exclaims "i do believe...help my unbelief!!" i believe that Christ is who he says he is, i do. even here in the dark, i believe he is light. but its so hard to live like it. i need him to help me with so many things. i need to trust that he is good- that everything in my life has been sifted through his fingers and for whatever reason allowed into my path in order that he may show his grace and mercy and somehow work his good, perfect will for my sanctification and his glory. but i cant see how...

but, i suppose its not up to me to see. "apart from you i cant see..." there is a way that seems right to man, and in the end it leads to death... i think that i am frustrated right now because i think that i could do a better job at being God than God can.

i cant.

i want so much. i want to make a difference. i want my 50 years or so to mean something to someone- anyone. somehow i want my story to be a light to those who sit in darkness; a small glimer of hope to those who have long since written off the idea of the dawn. i want those who feel that grace cannot reach them to be encouraged by my story that there is always enough grace. there is either grace enough to enjoy the day, or just enough grace to be sustained through it. praise Him that we are not called to endure through tomorrow, or even next week, next month, or next year...He says that He will give us just enough for right now. may we rest in the fact that He has only asked us to trust him for the strength to endure tonight. for in the morning His mercy is new and there is enough grace. i want making much of Him to be my dream fufilled. i want so much, but sometimes i am just so blinded by and afraid of the darkness that it paralyzes me and so i sit on my hands and refuse to move. in the end i want to be battered and bruised so that my kids wont have to wrestle with these demons and fight these battles. i want to be able to look back and praise our great God and King for all He has done and all He will continue to do...

sounds impossible.
sure. and i need His help. bad.
but a girl's got to have hope...might as well be in something, or someone greater than herself.

"oh my God shine your light on us, that we might live..."