2 steps forward
1 step back

equals 1 step forward.

game on.

a football player plays football. he plays for a certain team, and in a certain stadium. thats just what he does. he eats, breathes, and lives football. but when he's at home for thanksgiving and the family is playing ball, he doesn't blow off the little brothers and nephews exclaiming "my teams not here. i'm not in the stadium." no. he plays. and he plays hard. and he probably laughs harder than he has in awhile. there are high fives and cheers all around. everyone wins. because its not about the score, its about the game. so this is where my thoughts hijack my mind and i am left wondering...if we, as believers, are invited into the game of all games- the chance to run and dance and play with the God of the universe in the great adventure of him wooing lost and dying souls unto himself- why are we not playing? i know that i find myself saying that one day he will call me to this or that place and the game will begin. but such is not the case. i am here. now. and he is calling me to play. it should be what i do. i should be eating, and breathing, and living this ministry of reconciliation that he has called my number for. i need to get up, away from this computer and go outside and join the game. because it is being played, with or without me. and for my joy- and His- i should play.

scattered thoughts.

tonight my heart is heavy. i always dread these nights. and yet, they always come. in my heart i know the truth. its my head that always deceives me. my heart is stuck tonight somewhere between obedience and rebellion. hah. seems thats where our hearts usually are. you know, the whole "i keep on doing what i dont want to do, and what i want to do, i cant carry it out." that battle? yea, thats tonight.

my heart is breaking. heavy. like this huge weight on my soul. there is so much that i dont understand. so much that i want to understand. and yet so much that i wont even begin to comprehend this side of being with jesus.

but, please tell me that we havent been abandoned here. that we havent been left to ourselves. i need to know that there is more than all this. there has to be, right? this cant possibly be all there is.

sorry that this most likely makes no sense, i just needed to write. its not like anyone is reading anyways. and if you are- hi. what do you think?

the monsters are real.

he is better.

Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You

Now the plans that I have made
Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
'Till its You alone I live for, You alone I live for.

night.

Things are different at night. The sun has now surrendered its territory to the stars and what was once filled with rays of hope is now filled with the void of the darkness. There is also something about the darkness; the way that it has a way of surrounding and suffocating. The piercing edge of the darkness finds its way to the corners of my heart more times than I would like to admit. It slices and cuts and cares not of race or age, or past or present. It is a relentless piercing that pokes and prods until its victim is rendered completely hopeless and powerless. Each night brings forth demons that I am growing weary of fighting. My hands are tired and my back hurts. My eyes are heavy with tears and my heart is wounded and sore.

stranded.

urgh, so now i am more pissed. i had a whole blog typed up and then got an error message. curse.

anyways, i am stranded in temple. i have no money. and being home is super hard. and now i am here 3 days longer than expected. who knows when i will be back in dallas.

curse.

just pray for me if you can.

i ask you.

prayer would be greatly appreciated right about now.

more to come later...

if you say...

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

choices to make...

ok, so i know this is weird. two posts in such a short amount of time. but i dont know, i guess i just feel like writing. so just bear with me,...or dont. either way, i'll still write.

nothing much is going on with me lately. but at the same time i feel like everything is happening all at once. maybe nothing external is happening, but internally, a war is waging. and it feels like this war will determine loads of who i will be on the other side of it. first of all, will i even stay and fight this battle, or like so many times before will i run away and ty to hide from it all. my gut instinct is "RUN!" but you see, i have run before. and well, it didnt work. because here i am still standing face to face with my demons that haunt me. and this time...i am tired of running.

it feels like my heart is condemning me. constantly. telling me that i am not good enough. that i have messed up far too much. so praise Him, that He is bigger than my heart. He knows it all. everything. and He is so big that even my deceitful heart cant even condemn me. praise Him. but still the question remains...who will deliver me from this body of death?(romans 7:24) what will i do? will i run? or will i stay and fight? will i choose to trust that He doesnt just make life better, but that He IS better? or will i continue to trust only in myself, and in the end lose it all?

thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!(romans 7:25) He is trustworthy. praise Him that He would save me. because He called me, and started a work in me, He WILL finish it. He is faithful. but, i must stand firm. i must trust Him. and if i dont...much is lost. so, i have some choices to make. i have to begin to trust that in my weakness His power is perfected.(2 corinthians 12) i have to trust that when i dont know what to pray or find that i cannot utter a plea for help, that the spirit is near and intercedes for us.(romans 8:26) i have to believe that Jesus Christ is alive, and that He always lives to make intercession on our behalf.(hebrews 7:25) i have to believe that the battle is His to fight, not mine.(2 chronicles 20:15) i have to believe that Christ has redeemed me from the curse of the law and set me free(galations 3:13) but not so that freedom could terminate on me, but that i should use that freedom to serve others in love.(galations 5:13) i have to trust that God loved me so much, that while i was completely dead in my sins, He died for me; He made me alive with Christ.(ephesians 2:4-5) i have to trust that while today i see only a partial of the full image, one day i will see face to face. that while now i only know in part, one day i will know fully, even as i am fully known.(1 corinthians 13:12) and above all, i have to believe that He is faithful. He who promises is faithful. He cannot deny himself.(1 thessalonians 5:24)

to the praise of His glory.

help my unbelief.

life is insane. i wish there was a better way to explain everything, but there isnt. its like this awful cycle of insanity that never seems to end. school is fine. work is good. but it seems like everything else just enjoys kicking the shit out of me on a regular basis. i want to be done. i want to not struggle with everything all the time. i dont want to live this way forever. so maybe one day jesus will be unbelievably gracious to me and grant me long, sweet, rest in him. not that he hasnt been gracious enough to me already. but maybe he will choose to continue to pour grace out. praise him. he is good. even if i dont see it. heck, he is good even if i dont believe it. well, you see, cause its not up to me anyway. he is constant regardless of my belief. praise him for that. "i believe, but help my unbelief"...isnt that true? one of these days i wont be my worst enemy. one day i will realize that the lord loves me so much right here where i am. he loves me now. and hes not waiting to love this future version of me. right now. right here. he loves me. and thats ok. and i need to rest in that. so thats what i will do. i will just rest. and praise him for everything else.

messy.

as of late things have been quite...well, messy i suppose is the most accurate word. it hasnt really been bad or awful or anything. just messy. for the past several weeks i have been excruciatingly homesick. which is odd, because i dont usually get homesick. everything in my life slowly began to unravel because i was so homesick and wanted to be with my family, to be surrounded by familiar. in my head i wanted to be not where i was. so, for the first time in a long time, i politely took leave from my responsibilities and jumped in the car. as i write this i am sitting on my dads brand new couch watching his humongous television. its pretty sweet actually. although, i think i hear my little sister getting sick in the other room. thats not pretty sweet. at all.

i got to go to the dam the past two days. for those who dont know, the dam at the lake is my most favorite place in the enitre world. both times it was nice. i went there first on monday night and then again today, which is tuesday. its still the dam. and its still beautiful. and its still my favorite place. well, at home anyways.

within the past few months a few things have come my way that i am terrified about screwing everything up. i suck at relationships. any kind. if it has to do with me and another person who is or who is not related to me, i blow it. i either say something wrong, or say something right at the wrong time. or i do something stupid. or whatev. i just make it a habit of being relationshiply awkward. and i hate it. so be praying for me so i dont screw up these rare, good, beautiful, right and fun things in my life.

just wanted to update a little on my life. thats all for tonight.

jesus...help me.

all i have to do is find and claim who jesus says that i am...

jesus, i want to know you and who you say that i am. my love for you should get me to do more than any law ever could. i dont wantto be bound to the law like so many people are. i need to see your face and let you move me and transform me. help me seek you more than anything else. once i see you for who you really are i will become more like you. show me how to love like you love. break me from the things i hold so closely. break my heart for what breaks yours. please help me. all i need is you. i feel like you want and desire so much, but at the same time you require so little, and i have a hard time finding the middle of that. i dont want to be seen as a hypocrite to others, but also i dont want to be lying to myself. i want to just be. i want to walk in freedom. but i dont want my freedom to terminate on me. i want to rest in who i am in you. but jesus that is so hard. in a world of rules and regulations, it is hard to rest in security of who you are and in my love for you. so i gues this is just me asking you to help me love you. unashamedly. with all that i am in whatever it looks like. help me, jesus. cause dont know what that looks like fleshed out. i just need to see your face and look full into your eyes. but jesus, there is so much that distracts me from who you are. i feel silly when i keep asking you to help me, but i know that you can and i trust that you will. i know that you are mighty to save. so thats what i need. i need you to help me. dont let me continue to be weighed down by things that are not of you. break all the chains that have held me captive for so long. open my eyes to see your truth. show your grace to me in a way like never before. you have promised good to me. and i know that you are faithful.ii want to know who you are, so please HELP ME!! one day all this will be gone and i know i will be found in you but please, jesus findme faithful. it is so hard, buti trust you. i trust that you can and will do what you have promised. please sustain me. all i need is you. just you. thats it. dont let me forget that. let me rest in you. allow me to find satisfaction in you and in you alone. greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in me. it has to be done in me before i can transform this city. so jesus, work in me. please, help me...