choices to make...

ok, so i know this is weird. two posts in such a short amount of time. but i dont know, i guess i just feel like writing. so just bear with me,...or dont. either way, i'll still write.

nothing much is going on with me lately. but at the same time i feel like everything is happening all at once. maybe nothing external is happening, but internally, a war is waging. and it feels like this war will determine loads of who i will be on the other side of it. first of all, will i even stay and fight this battle, or like so many times before will i run away and ty to hide from it all. my gut instinct is "RUN!" but you see, i have run before. and well, it didnt work. because here i am still standing face to face with my demons that haunt me. and this time...i am tired of running.

it feels like my heart is condemning me. constantly. telling me that i am not good enough. that i have messed up far too much. so praise Him, that He is bigger than my heart. He knows it all. everything. and He is so big that even my deceitful heart cant even condemn me. praise Him. but still the question remains...who will deliver me from this body of death?(romans 7:24) what will i do? will i run? or will i stay and fight? will i choose to trust that He doesnt just make life better, but that He IS better? or will i continue to trust only in myself, and in the end lose it all?

thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!(romans 7:25) He is trustworthy. praise Him that He would save me. because He called me, and started a work in me, He WILL finish it. He is faithful. but, i must stand firm. i must trust Him. and if i dont...much is lost. so, i have some choices to make. i have to begin to trust that in my weakness His power is perfected.(2 corinthians 12) i have to trust that when i dont know what to pray or find that i cannot utter a plea for help, that the spirit is near and intercedes for us.(romans 8:26) i have to believe that Jesus Christ is alive, and that He always lives to make intercession on our behalf.(hebrews 7:25) i have to believe that the battle is His to fight, not mine.(2 chronicles 20:15) i have to believe that Christ has redeemed me from the curse of the law and set me free(galations 3:13) but not so that freedom could terminate on me, but that i should use that freedom to serve others in love.(galations 5:13) i have to trust that God loved me so much, that while i was completely dead in my sins, He died for me; He made me alive with Christ.(ephesians 2:4-5) i have to trust that while today i see only a partial of the full image, one day i will see face to face. that while now i only know in part, one day i will know fully, even as i am fully known.(1 corinthians 13:12) and above all, i have to believe that He is faithful. He who promises is faithful. He cannot deny himself.(1 thessalonians 5:24)

to the praise of His glory.

help my unbelief.

life is insane. i wish there was a better way to explain everything, but there isnt. its like this awful cycle of insanity that never seems to end. school is fine. work is good. but it seems like everything else just enjoys kicking the shit out of me on a regular basis. i want to be done. i want to not struggle with everything all the time. i dont want to live this way forever. so maybe one day jesus will be unbelievably gracious to me and grant me long, sweet, rest in him. not that he hasnt been gracious enough to me already. but maybe he will choose to continue to pour grace out. praise him. he is good. even if i dont see it. heck, he is good even if i dont believe it. well, you see, cause its not up to me anyway. he is constant regardless of my belief. praise him for that. "i believe, but help my unbelief"...isnt that true? one of these days i wont be my worst enemy. one day i will realize that the lord loves me so much right here where i am. he loves me now. and hes not waiting to love this future version of me. right now. right here. he loves me. and thats ok. and i need to rest in that. so thats what i will do. i will just rest. and praise him for everything else.