help my unbelief.

life is insane. i wish there was a better way to explain everything, but there isnt. its like this awful cycle of insanity that never seems to end. school is fine. work is good. but it seems like everything else just enjoys kicking the shit out of me on a regular basis. i want to be done. i want to not struggle with everything all the time. i dont want to live this way forever. so maybe one day jesus will be unbelievably gracious to me and grant me long, sweet, rest in him. not that he hasnt been gracious enough to me already. but maybe he will choose to continue to pour grace out. praise him. he is good. even if i dont see it. heck, he is good even if i dont believe it. well, you see, cause its not up to me anyway. he is constant regardless of my belief. praise him for that. "i believe, but help my unbelief"...isnt that true? one of these days i wont be my worst enemy. one day i will realize that the lord loves me so much right here where i am. he loves me now. and hes not waiting to love this future version of me. right now. right here. he loves me. and thats ok. and i need to rest in that. so thats what i will do. i will just rest. and praise him for everything else.