somethings in the air.

tonight there is a lot in my head.

friend from high school was in a bad car accident. the driver was killed instantly, and she is in a coma back home. its so crazy. life is unpredictable. and short. transient. i dont know why this is effecting me like it is. life is weird. i am weird. and honestly, i suck at writing. i wish i was eloquent. i would write a book. really, i would. instead, i write short and choppy fragments that make up my jumbled thoughts.

my head hurts. my heart hurts. i am lonely. and sometimes i miss things. well, of course i miss things, what else would i miss. i think maybe, i will just sleep. try all this again tomorrow.

oh yea, its a new year. welcome to 2009.

hopefully this year will be different. i think i smell it in the air...you know, the good things...?

2 steps forward
1 step back

equals 1 step forward.

game on.

a football player plays football. he plays for a certain team, and in a certain stadium. thats just what he does. he eats, breathes, and lives football. but when he's at home for thanksgiving and the family is playing ball, he doesn't blow off the little brothers and nephews exclaiming "my teams not here. i'm not in the stadium." no. he plays. and he plays hard. and he probably laughs harder than he has in awhile. there are high fives and cheers all around. everyone wins. because its not about the score, its about the game. so this is where my thoughts hijack my mind and i am left wondering...if we, as believers, are invited into the game of all games- the chance to run and dance and play with the God of the universe in the great adventure of him wooing lost and dying souls unto himself- why are we not playing? i know that i find myself saying that one day he will call me to this or that place and the game will begin. but such is not the case. i am here. now. and he is calling me to play. it should be what i do. i should be eating, and breathing, and living this ministry of reconciliation that he has called my number for. i need to get up, away from this computer and go outside and join the game. because it is being played, with or without me. and for my joy- and His- i should play.

scattered thoughts.

tonight my heart is heavy. i always dread these nights. and yet, they always come. in my heart i know the truth. its my head that always deceives me. my heart is stuck tonight somewhere between obedience and rebellion. hah. seems thats where our hearts usually are. you know, the whole "i keep on doing what i dont want to do, and what i want to do, i cant carry it out." that battle? yea, thats tonight.

my heart is breaking. heavy. like this huge weight on my soul. there is so much that i dont understand. so much that i want to understand. and yet so much that i wont even begin to comprehend this side of being with jesus.

but, please tell me that we havent been abandoned here. that we havent been left to ourselves. i need to know that there is more than all this. there has to be, right? this cant possibly be all there is.

sorry that this most likely makes no sense, i just needed to write. its not like anyone is reading anyways. and if you are- hi. what do you think?