journal entry.

so... i think that i will now post something written in my journal just a few nights ago. its real. its honest. and its me. take it as you will.

"once again i have become a stranger to you. once again have i allowed myself to enter this place i have sworn, more times than i can count, to never return. and yet, here i am. these words, like most honest words are being written after the day has passed and everyone is fast asleep. everyone but me. i am here, and although i feel very terrifyingly alone, i know that i am not. now the tears come. they begin to fill up my bloodshot, tired eyes and yet for some reason, unknown to me, i wont let them fall. maybe i am afraid that they are more real than i would really like to admit. i dont know why i allow myself to reach this point and i hate that i allow myself to become this person.i am supposed to be the one who has things figured out. i am supposed to be ok and when i am not i think it scares me more than it scares anyone else. as of late it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile my heart and my mind...

all to jesus, i surrender. all to him i freely give. i will ever love and trust him, in his presence daily live. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior. i surrender all. all to jesus, i surrender. humbly at his feet i bow. worldly pleasures all forsaking, take me jesus take me now. all to jesus, i surrender, lord i give myself to thee. fill me with thy love and power let your blessing fall on me. i surrender all. i surrender all. all to thee my blessed savior, i surrender all.

this song cannot be just another song. it must become truth. my truth. your truth. it must become reality. no longer can i play games. i cant continue being full of empty words. no more just giving up control to what i am comfortable. its all yours. this burden, this is something i cannot carry alone. and you've never intended for me to carry this alone. i cant keep pretending that my back doesnt hurt and my legs arent weak and tired. because if i am being completely honest, my legs are tired...i am tired. you have promised to help and here i am begging you to be true to yourself. meet me here. i surrender all. you have promised and you are faithful. you cannot deny yourself. only in you have i anything good. only in you. you ALONE are my righteousness. now, and i am surprised that its not too late, i am claiming it. you are my righteousness. and right now, more than ever, i need you to be that for me.

i surrender all. and here i wait in expectation."